Blog #22 - This Weekend

So, this past weekend was a good weekend. Friday I hung out with my friends and then Saturday, I was all up in HarlemWorld with the family. Sometimes I forget what it's like to be around them. I haven't been there since my grandmother died.

My whole reason for going was because my Aunt Jeannie was being consecrated and installed as a Pastor, which is a big deal. It was one of my big events that I wanted to go to this summer. It was an awesome ceremony and now she is Pastor Aunt Jeannie. I told her I was going to call her when I needed some spiritual guidance and she laughed at me. But, I'm so serious. Anyways, I got to see a lot of family and meet some new family, like my cousin Dominique, my Uncle Eddie's daughter that I don't know. I would like to meet the rest of his kids...lol. But I DID get to see my big cousins Damon, Tamika, Kymani and Jamal. I even saw my Uncle Brotha, which was a shock, considering that we were talking about him maybe like 20 minutes before he got there. The ceremony itself was in the same church that my aunts and uncles grew up in. It wasn't the church that I went to as a kid, but...it was the same church that held the services for both my father and my grandmother. For me, it was VERY weird being there for something that wasn't a funeral...but like Damon said, it was much better to NOT be there for that. Coincidentally (and I think a little bit on purpose...lol) the ceremony was on what would have been my grandmother's birthday. It was kind of fitting.

To speak on that for a moment, it's been about 14 years and I still don't think I'm over my father dying. Just even being in the church made me cry and I can't think about my dad without shedding a few tears. What does that even mean? Am I not over it or do I just miss him that much? I feel like I got robbed of a lot of things, experiences, discussions and just being a daddy's girl.

On a completely separate chapter, yet still in the same book...something inside me went to go look for my step-sisters. I found one. I hope she accepts my friend request and that I'll find her sister. I miss being around them too. They stopped coming around when my dad died too and moved to the Bronx. I miss my little brother too. I wonder what they're all up to. I'd love to see them and spend the day with them to play catch-up and stuff...if they want to. The ball is in their court now, I guess. I hope they accept it because I still consider them family. I think I might be a little jealous, too. They got to spend a lot more time with my dad than I did (side edit: TAMIKA ACCEPTED IT!!! Woohoo!!! Now, if she would talk to me, that would be better...lol). I dunno. Maybe I'm being selfish and it's time to take a big girl pill and come to terms with it. I'll try, but I don't know how to do it because after 14 years, it's still a painful thought. Maybe because it happened suddenly. He wasn't sick, he wasn't old. I think it might be painful because...I wasn't expecting him to go. 12 years old, last time we spoke was on my birthday and it was "see you at Thanksgiving...I love you". But, I am grateful that the last thing we said to each other was "I love you". Say it all the time to those you love, please.

Blog #21 - Can We Pretend That Airplanes...

...in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...

I love this song. I think Hayley Williams sounds awesome. I just wish she would have done a bridge to it. Then, I would be complete...lol.

Anyone that knows me knows that I can identify with this song hardbody. I know I could really use a wish right now. I'm trying to make it happen and not sabotage myself. Gotta keep hope that something is gonna come up and happen and that I won't be in this slump forever. Right? But sometimes it feels like a little help wouldn't hurt at all. All my goal is in life is to just be happy. That's all. I know happiness doesn't come easy, so I just grin and bear it.

So far, things are looking okay. I filed for unemployment and I received the first documentation on Thursday in the mail. I'm supposed to submit my first claim on Wednesday. I don't know how long it takes for an official check to be cut, though. Maybe I should submit for direct deposit, but I feel like that would take forever and 5 days...lol. And now that I filed and have a number and all that good stuff, I'm gonna call MCC about possibly going through their nursing or CJ/paralegal programs because, according to their website and if I read it right, $4000 gets paid by unemployment or they waive the fee or something along those lines. Imagine being able to do both simultaneously...lol. I'd be awesome. But, that's what I'm going for. So, that's what my goal is right now. Then, I hope things work itself out.

If we pretended that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...what would you wish for?

Blog #20 - Because Sometimes, We Just Need to Be Reminded...

Blog #19 - Natural Seductiveness

What the hell is natural seductiveness???

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine (let's call him James. Why are all my friends mentioned in my blogs male? ::kanye shrug:: anyways, I digress) and he said I am "naturally seductive". I didn't understand and he said that it's my swagger, my steelo and the way I look. I think I look average as hell and that I don't have any swagger, personally. I wanted him to elaborate more, but he currently has a girl and said he wanted to jump my bones, so I didn't think it was appropriate. I DID, however, ask Omar. Because who would know better than the person you've been with for fiddyleven years...lol. He agreed that I am naturally seductive. Omar said I don't have to do much at all and that I'm a tease. I denied that and he side-eyed me...little fuckershit. That's why I hate him. But he went on to say that it's something about me and then he wondered why I don't see it. I thought a theory could be because it's me and it's just how I am and it's a part of my personality. He agreed and also said "it could also be because you're so girly". I didn't see what the connection was and he explained. He said that most girls are so damn hood and ghetto that when an actual girl comes along and does actual girl stuff, it's like "oooh, an actual feminine girl".

This could partially be the reason that I only seem to attract men that only wanna fuck me as opposed to dating me and being in a relationship. Apparently...I just had a thought and it left me. Anyways, I wish I knew how to turn it down or turn it off, but I don't even know what about me is naturally seductive to turn it off or dumb it down, yanno? I don't think I dress too sexy, even when I'm going out. Sometimes I wear make-up, sometimes I don't. I'm not really in heels a lot, and I don't straighten my hair a lot either. I'm not a big fashionista (although I'd love to be) and I don't think I have a sexual aura around me. I'm just plain ol' down to earth me. I think I'm semi-plain, quite frankly. So, what in the hell? I wish there was some kind of test for this or something I can read about it...and how to harness it for evil doing...muahahahahaha ::rubs hand evilly:: I'm just joshing with you...lol. Well, I don't have much else to write on this topic.

Goodnight

Blog #18 - The "Photo Shoot" :)

So, yesterday, I had a "photo shoot". Not a true ass photo shoot with clothing changes and makeup artist and hairstylists, though. It was really just me and my friend who's a photographer (let's call him Carlos...lol) that wanted to take a few pics of me. All in all, I had fun! I definitely think I want to do it again.

I had to go to a big city (let's call this city Newark...lol), which was nice. It was a GORGEOUS day yesterday!!! Like, absolutely perfect. It was like 73 degrees, the sun was shining and there was a light breeze. There couldn't have been a nicer day, actually. That was my perfect day...lol. So anyways. My friend picked me up and took me to this studio. Like a legit photo studio. I'd never been in one so I was just walking around, taking it all in, and absorbing everything while he did his little set-up thingie with the flashy umbrella thingies and the lights and all that jazz. I did break into dance and contemplated a cartwheel, but decided to use my better judgment on the cartwheel. But clearly, he picked the right person for goofballness...lol.

My pics were awesome. And I took a LOT. My theme was like being in a carnival photo booth, so I went through a whole range of emotions, funny faces and goofballness. Carlos said his favorite shots where the in-between shots where I was just randomly laughing or moving or doing something extra that wasn't planned, ie - moving my head, moving my hair out of my face, drinking my soda and things like that. I think I have about 4 absolute favorite pics. I don't know what I was doing for it to happen, but there's a pic with my hair moving and in front of my face with me doing some sort of a smirk. Another one of my favs was my "bedroom eyes" pic. I think that's my fav because it just came out of the blue and it shocked Carlos...he was actually like "whoa, bedroomn eyes" and kinda fell off the stool. That was awesome...lol. The next set of pics I can't disclose because...I'm not allowed (per my order) and because they're abstract and anonymous photos. But I WILL say that it's something that I've never done before. And that will be that.

Now, no day would be complete if I didn't see at least one particular frat brother...lol. My baby dad (let's call him Ricky)!!! And no, he's not my real baby dad. I actually don't know where or when we started calling each other that, but quever. It works. The poor boy was waiting forever (I'm sorry, Ricky...lol) because I had no idea when I was going to be done, but I did get to see him. He's funny. I <3 that dude. And apparently, when we overnight anywhere together, my boobs will always be his pillows, just because he's my baby dad and I'm his baby mom. Fuckery. I told him that people were gonna start talking shit and this fool said he didn't care. So yeah. And that's that...lol.

One surprising thing about this trip was an impromptu run-in with an old friend from back in the day. Let's call him Adam. When I arrived in Newark, I did my usual FB update and he sent me a message with his number because he lives 15 minutes away. Cool. Completely wasn't expecting that, but I did shoot him a text and surprisingly, he came out to meet me at the train station. It was really really good to see him. He's been through some things - I'm definitely not gonna put his business out there, because it's his business and I wouldn't do that - but he's definitely still the same person. He even looks the same since I saw him last in 1997 before he moved. We had a good time just playing catch-up and he extended the offer for me to hang out with him in Newark. I think I will take him up on that one day. Apparently he throws killer ass house parties. I offered my bartender services because...I'm just that good with it...lol. But I can't get too wild with it because "them fools gotta go home...they can't be passed out on my couch". iHollered.

And, that was my day yesterday. I'd probably give it an 8.75 out of 10. I could have used a drink or 2...lol. But all in all - a wonderful day. :)

Blog #17 - The Different Types of Cute

This blog is inspired by my stupid as hell ex (let's call him Omar)...lol. What can I say...he adds his own little slice of humor to my life. HE, in turn, was inspired by my blog on red hair. He suggested that I go red like Tiny, from Tiny & Toya. O suggested this color because, while she's not as pale as me, she is very lightskinned. Then we ran into the new topic, which inspired this blog...lol. I hate him. These are all his opinions and I think they're hilarious, so I wanted to share...lol.

Hood Cute: according to my O, chicks that are hood cute kinda don't have a lot going for them face-wise, but they're always put together outfit-wise, so that gives them the ability to be cute. Hood cute chicks have some sort of big body part (ass, boobs or both) so guys aren't looking at their face, but again...she's put together, so she's cute.

Funny Cute: funny cute chicks are the chicks that have a feature that just don't match their face. He used Natalie Nunn from Bad Girls. She's got this MONSTER ASS Jay Leno chin. I've seen the show, I can attest to this. She has a Leno chin. He said "she's not ugly, but she's not cute".

"Big Girl" Cute: I've heard people say "she's cute for a big girl". I guess for example it would be...Jennifer Hudson, pre-weight-loss. I personally always thought she was pretty pre-or-post weightloss. But that's just me. He was a mean ass and said "they're cute from the first chin up".

"If Only" Cute: this cute would normally be a standard cute...if only there wasn't something wrong. Por ejemplo, he said "she would be cute if only she didn't open her mouth and show me the 3 gold teeth in her mouth".

And you wonder why I hate him...lol.

Blog #16 - Red Hair & the Identification Problems with It...

I'm forewarning you that this will probably turn into a vent on ethnicity, personal frustrations (like it's not already...lol) or just a plain ass vent.

So, I want to change my hair color. I want to go red. But...here's my issue with that. I try to look for color idea online. So, I go to the ever-faithful Google and type in "red hair colors for black women". On damn near each and every website that I go to, it says that you have to find your "color tone" to "compliment your complexion. Here's where I have a problem. The color tones are mostly grouped as follows:

You're likely a "warm" if you have golden, olive or dark skin and brown or dark eyes (most Latinas, Asians and African Americans fall into this category). "Warm" women tan easily and the veins in their inner wrists are green.

You're a "cool" if you have fair skin and blue or green eyes, you burn before you tan and the veins in your wrists run blue. If you're confused because you sometimes burn, sometimes tan, you likely skew warm.

If you know me, then you know that 1 - I am a Latina/African American mix with dark brown eyes and hair and; 2 - I'm pale as hell, burn before I tan (IF I tan, but that's a horse of a different color...clever. Score 1 for me...lol) and the veins in my wrist are blue for the most part. Sometimes they look green. SO...the question begs: am I a warm or am I a cool? HAAAAAALP!

I've also heard stories that it also depends on what colors you look good in. If that's the case, then I'm REALLY fucked because I look good in every color. Not even being cocky. Purple, green, pink, yellow, black, orange, burnt orange, turquoise, fuchsia...any color you can think of, I look awesome in.

Anyways...so my search for the perfect red hair color is on. Websites told me that I should go see a makeup artist or an aesthetician to determine my perfect color. What good does that do me when my bff/makeup artist lives in Florida and my aesthetician cousin has a baby? NONE!!! And I can't look at celebrity pictures, because damn near everyone with red hair does not look like me. I have yet to see one pale person with dark brown damn-near-black hair and dark brown eyes go from dark brown to red. Not a 1. Where are all the people that look like me with red hair? I've tried "red hair colors for black women", "red hair colors for pale skin and dark hair", "red hair colors for latinas". Nothing.

I digress. Let's hit publish post.