Blog #50 - How to Love but 1+1...

So, I'm not the biggest Lil Wayne fan at ALL. My liking of Lil Wayne goes to songs where I think it could have been better without him (IE - Kelly Rowland's Motivation, Mike Posner's Bow Chicka Wow Wow), songs of his that have features that I like (IE - Shooter f. Robin Thicke. Robin Thicke was my whole reason for even liking the song in all honesty) or songs where the beat is pretty hot (IE - A Milli. I won't deny that the beat is pretty fly). I was at work on Friday and I heard this autotuned ass voice singing this song called "How to Love". Now, I was busy as shit on Friday, but one part of the song drew me to slow down and pay attention to it, which was "Never really had luck couldn’t never figure out How to Love (how to love)/You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever/Now you in a corner trying to put it together - How to Love". What I got from the lyrics was a girl trying to mend her broken heart over failed relationships and really trying to put her heart together. I would actually have to say that this MIGHT be one of my favorite songs by Lil Wayne on his own (even if he CAN'T sing at all). But, I'm able to identify with this song which is why I probably like it. I've had some pretty shitty relationships that have ended with me being broken and battered emotionally (or maybe physically during the course of the relationship) and after each time, I had to figure out how to love and at what point did it go south. And like Lil Wayne said, I spent a lot of time sitting in the corner looking at my thoughts and looking over my shoulder, trying to figure out what happened, where to go and what to do next.

I guess the question I pose to myself is - after each failed relationship, should I have loved differently? Should I have given less of myself to the next one because of the last one? If so, wouldn't that be holding on to baggage and aren't I against bringing baggage from old relationships into new ones? If one puts their guard up going into the next relationship, wouldn't that be bringing baggage? Maybe guards are different than baggage and you can go into a new relationship with a guard up but devoid of baggage? Does that even make sense? I don't think it does, but what do I know. I'm just sitting in the corner looking at my thoughts and looking over my shoulder for the next one trying to steal my heart.

In the same token, Beyonce has a song called 1+1. While I'm not a Beyonce stan (I have my moments where I like her and where I don't) 1+1 is essentially and could be the quintessential love song. It's basically about how a girl and her man don't need shit else because all they need is each other. Beautiful beautiful message...love it.

How does one go from figuring out how to love to 1+1. Does it take the one person who's trying to figure out how to love or both parties in the relationship. Should one figure out how to love prior to entering the relationship or figure it out along the way? MAYBE....the journey is to be started alone, but end with 2. Who knows lol. I'm clearly not a master of love lol. I'm not even a master of like at this point. But love would be nice at some point.

I think I need to hit the mutual 'like' stage first and with the way things are going, I'm not sure if I'll ever get there with the new guy I like. Maybe he's just busy and focused on his career. Not too sure if I should back off and let him do his thing (I probably will). I hate to think I'm being a pain in the ass with my texting - I just wanna make sure he's okay and stuff. I know he's going on a career change and that can be a little daunting. *positive vibes his way*

Ummm...I think that's it right now. :)

Blog #49 - She Ain't You...

So, this blog stems from a text I got the other day from Omar...but it wasn't Omar. It was his newest baby mama - you know her. I've talked about her...nothing bad. Just about their situation maybe and stuff. Maybe I forgot to include that she is the mother of his newest daughter, so shoutout to him for that. All the message said was "You should tell Omar to change his password". I read it and then brought it up to him the next day and I guess he put two and two together and realized what happened. She apparently went through his phone and was sending all sorts of messages to any females she could find. I guess when he asked her about it, apparently she didn't feel some kind of way with the other females, but did with me and wants to know what I have that she doesn't. I told him that I don't have the crazy girl gene lol. But seriously...I don't. I don't look through people's stuff because when you go looking for shit, you're bound to get dirty. I can't be bothered. Shenanigans. But the title is basically...she can't be me. And I can't be her. I need her to not be worried about what it is that I'm doing and focus on being a mom. The boy asked her if you wanted to get back together and be a family and she shot the poor guy down...but is wanting to know what I have that she doesn't. Don't worry about that. Comparison to an ex is never a good thing in any relationship. I'm going off on a tangent right now so let me go post this and then write another blog lol.

Ciao

Blog #48 - Wise Words from A Cuban Man

"You don't need new stuff. You just need to treat the stuff you have like it's new."

This is what I took away from a conversation about cars. I was getting out of my car and one of my dad's friends was driving by. He was in a nice little car and we were talking about my car and how I wanted to get a new one because it's old. I told him what happened to me this weekend (which is another blog in and of itself) and that I wanted to get the window fixed, but my mom shut me down. He said "if you take care of it like it's new, it will be like new" and then started telling me all of the extra things I need to do to it and that I have to take care of it and make it mine. And then when he said "this type of car is a really good car. If you take care of it, it will take care of you. It will welcome you in" is when I realized that I needed to change my way of thinking. This car has been passed down in my family since we bought it in 1995. My mother drove it, both of my brothers drove it, my brother's girlfriend drove it and now it's mine. My mom has drilled into my head "drive it for a few more years, beat it up and then we'll get another one". In reality, I need to treat this one like it's new. I started thinking of all of the things I want to do to it - like get a new hubcap, maybe add some tints, get all of the dents and scratches out, things like that.

I then started to think about it in terms of life and things/people in my life in particular. I need to start taking better care of my family and friends. I don't need new family/friends - I just need to treat the ones I have now like they're new. Think about it. When you get a new car, you take extra special care to not get it banged up or get any dents or anything like that. You should do the same with your friends and family. Each day is a gift...unwrap it and take special care to not damage it, break it or put dents in it. That's my basic spiel of the day.

Love your friends and family like they're new, precious gifts. Tis all.

Blog #47 - Natural Hair Journey, pt 1

So, it's been a minute since I've blogged about anything remotely happy or interesting in my life, but I decided to take this natural hair care journey really fast. I was looking at a lot of things that I use in my hair and just analyzing my hair care routine overall when its curly or straight and decided that 1) I was putting WAAAAAAY too many things in my hair and 2) all of the things I put in my hair aren't the greatest things. I decided to purge my hair care routine and go natural - the henna blog and the kinky curly blogs are the actual start of my journey. What really kicked this off was I was in Walgreen's one day to pick up this conditioner that someone on youtube recommended as an alternative to the "Knot Today" from Kinky Curly and this Russian guy was looking for natural products for his wife. We were looking on the back of labels and I picked up some things that I use(d) and had a "wtf is this" look when looking at the back for the ingredients. I think that was my moment that I said "eff the traditional products" and I gravitated towards this brand called Shea Moisture.

The Shea Moisture Shea Butter shampoo is like THEE best shampoo that I've used on my hair in forever. I can wash my hair on a Sunday, wear it curly and then go to wash it again that next Sunday, and my hair will STILL feel like butter as I'm just standing under the water letting my hair get wet...and it will smell like shea butter, even after a week. I love it. At first, it doesn't really look like much, but when I get it in my hair, I can definitely run my fingers through it after rinsing the shampoo out. I bought the conditioner a few days ago and it's a pump and thick...I'm not too big a fan of it, but I'm willing to try it again. I really like the Tresemme Naturals Moisture Rich Conditioner for my hair as a followup to the Shea Moisture shampoo.

The next product I use is Kinky Curly Curling Custard. Yeah, I know I tried it before and it was an epic fail, but I decided that it was a fail because of the henna so I waited for it to grow out a little bit and then try it again. I think I did the henna in December, so I waited until about March to try the KCCC again. I love it! I just wish I had a different haircut to provide more bounce and body and shape to it because my hair is pretty one dimensional and flat right now. I need more body and bounce and shape!!!

I was talking to a friend of mine who is a natural yesterday about how I felt really good when talking to this girl at Walgreen's about natural hair care (she rang up my purchase for the Shea Moisture Conditioner) and how the girl was telling me what she uses in her hair. She showed me the product and I told her to junk it ASAP because like the 2nd or 3rd ingredient is Sodium Laurel Sulfate, and that's why her hair is so dry. I continued to tell my friend how I haven't had a relaxer since around November and I wanted to try and see how long I can go, so...I guess this is my official start to this. It's already been around 3.5, 4 months so I think I'm doing pretty okay. I've flat ironed my hair before and it came out really nice and bone straight at the roots, which is good...considering all I used was my shampoo, conditioner and some argan oil before I blew it dry. I'll have to try it again to see how it comes out again. I think it was a little greasy, so I'll try to put in less of the oil...that should do the trick. I have to put pics up, though to document this journey.

I also need to find a natural hair dye for the summer time. I want to lighten it up a bit. Oh well...onward and upward on this journey!

Blog #46 - Dearest Jari...

So, as you all know, my line brother passed away on March 7 (last Monday). The wake was Wednesday and Thursday and the funeral was Friday. It took me the day to write this because I couldn't formulate my thoughts so soon and I drank away the pain last night when I got home. I couldn't make it to the wake because of another wake I had to go to, but I was able to make it to the funeral on Friday. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was honestly and easily the 3rd hardest funeral I have been to - the first being my father's and the second being my grandmother's. Thankfully, I was not alone and I had the support of my sorority sisters and fraternity brothers - especially my line brothers - as we buried one of our own. That is a heartbreaking thing to do. I know the pain that I was feeling, so I can only imagine the pain of his family. My deepest and sincere condolences go out to the Negron family in their time of sorrow. I write this letter to my line brother, with full love, affection and filled with memories, and yet and still, with tears of pain.

Dear Jari,

DMX said it perfectly when he said "I have trouble accepting the fact that you're gone, so I won't. It will be like we went for a while without seeing each other. But I can understand why God would have wanted you with him because you really were an angel on Earth. And in my own special way, I love you and I miss you" (you know how I feel about this was the downfall of DMX, but that is a different blog/letter lol). Even though I was present at your funeral and burial yesterday to "close the chapter" and sort of make things official with a "see you later", it all seemed surreal and like a bad dream because all I can think about is how much I miss you and all of the good times that we had from Spring 2003 and beyond and all of the conversations that we had - especially about you coming home and all of the good times that were going to be had then. I never envisioned that you would come home this way, but...at least you're home, I guess. It has been an emotional roller coaster, but I guess the ride is over and it's all time we got off. I wasn't able to make it to the wake, but from what I hear, I should be glad because you didn't look like you and I want to remember you the way that you are - happy and smiling. The Joker. I know that everyone says that you're "in a better place now", but I can't help but feel angry because it feels like I was robbed. You were just taken from us in the dead of night without rhyme or reason and we still don't know why or how. I know that's selfish of me, but it's only because I miss you terribly. Every now and then since last Monday, I scroll through my phone book or look at my aim list and I see your name/screen name and I can't bring myself to delete them because even though I went yesterday, part of me still feels like you're going to call or IM me and say "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS", like you always did, which would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be followed by an "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB" because we're goof troop like that. I cherish each and every conversation that we've ever had in all 8 years that you've been in my life and while it definitely saddens me that I can no longer hold you in the physical realm, something tells me you will hold me in the spiritual realm and be a guide...just like my father, grandmother, grandfather and aunt. It warms my heart to know that you are loved by so many people and we will take these memories with us in our hearts. I can't help but think of the last chorus in the P!nk song "Who Knew" and remix it for myself...which seems like the perfect way to end this letter to you: If someone said 8 years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong. But that last convo, I'll cherish until we meet again. And time makes it harder. I wish I could remember. But I'll keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep. My LB...who knew.

I will keep your memory alive and cherish you always, line brother. I love you and I miss you. Sleep in heavenly peace, Jari.

Blog #45 - To My Line Brother Jari-yon Negron

I had a funky ass blog to write today - but then at 4:25, I got some gutwrenching news that I prayed wasn't true. But sadly it was confirmed. You passed away in Japan and I'm going crazy trying not to think about it, but it's all I can think of. It's consuming my brain - everything from when we were online to our conversation about 2 weeks ago and how excited we both were that you were going to be coming home soon from the Navy and how we would party it up and how you would come see Tee's baby and just the good times that we were gonna have when you got back to NY. Now, you're coming home to a soldier's funeral. And it fucking sucks. I know that you're in a better place and all of that - but it still fucking sucks. You haven't even been confirmed as deceased for 3 hours and all I can think about is how, when we were online, you used to call trying to use the sexy, deep Barry White voice when you were all of freshly 18...but it always got a laugh out of me. I remember hanging out in NY - just being neos, running around the city like we lost our gatdamn minds. I remember when Justy got branded and how you were yelling about how you wanted some bacon...because that's what being branded sounds like - sizzling bacon. I was looking foward to reminiscing and building new memories with the rest of our line upon your return home and then celebrating when Migz came back home from the Navy - but now I have are these memories that I will forever hold close to my heart. I never thought I would have to think about this so early in life - you were only 26 - but they say the good die young...and LB, you were great. I will miss you forever.

To my line sisters and line brothers - our pain will linger, but love and our memories of our dear line brother will overcome all of the pain and allow us to live our lives as if Jari was here. The Joker would want it that way, and you know it. It hurts now, but together, we will overcome. As Jari once told me during that great semester of Spring 2003 "SPRING 2003 DOES NOT BREAK LINE AND WE WILL STAY STRONG". I'm struggling to do so...but I'm gonna try for you, LB.

God, I know you needed Jari with you, so I just ask that You let him know that we miss him terribly and that we will see him when we get up there. Jari...you are now our Angel standing by. I love you.

RIP B5 - Jari-yon "The Joker" Negron

September 13, 1984 - March 7, 2011

Blog #44 - The Fuckery of My Dating Life...

So, in order to not get nekkid (damn that FDot), I have decided to write a new blog - I've actually been meaning to do so...I've just been forgetting. So here's a little ditty about a "date" that I went on and all the deets:

So, I'm at the gas station, minding my OWN fucking business and trying to get some damn gas. For those that don't know, it's illegal as hell to pump your own gas in Jersey -and to be real, it's winter time...I'm not even trying to get out the car-, so I started looking for the gas station attendant. I look to my left and then look to my right. I see a big ol' Yukon and this guy looking at me. He smiles, so I politely wave and then resume looking for the attendant because I'm still not getting the fuck out the car...it was January. Damn that. I look to the right again and try NOT to catch this guy's line of vision, but...he's looking dead at me and motions for me to roll down my window. I said no and then next thing I know...he's at my window so I have to roll it down slightly now. I rolled it down and he starts talking to me. He tells the guy I want to fill up my tank and then resumes talking to me. Dead ass, he looked like Rick Ross...not in the face or anything. But in terms of his body type (I will say that he's smaller than Mr. Ross), his complexion....he even had the beard thing going on with some shades. We converse and he asks me the standard questions - how old am I (apparently I looked like I just turned 18 on this particular day), what's my ethnic background (because that's all 5 minute meeting appropriate) and a bunch of other questions. Then he asked me if I would be his Valentine and we could "do the Biggie and Faith thing". I died laughing...all IN his face. Like...looked dead at him and laughed hard. I thought that was funny, so I gave him the digits - at least I could make a new friend, right?

He hits me up...apparently to tell me I drive too fast (who told him to try and follow me in a damn Yukon ANYways). We agree to go to dinner around 9ish and he said it was going to be a nice place. I really should have known better. Anyways, 8:30 comes and I hit him up like "hey, am I picking you up, are you picking me up or do you just wanna meet at the restaurant". I'm considerate like that...lol. He said he's gonna pick me up because the place is not too far from my house. 9pm comes...and goes. 9:30, I get hit with "my truck has a flat and I'm waiting for the repair guy to get here and change it. He said he's 12 minutes away". I asked if he just wanted me to come pick him up and we leave from his place. He said no because the place is closer to my house. At this point...I just changed my clothes and washed my face because...it was gonna be forever until they REALLY got to his place and sure enough...11:00pm rolls by and I get a text...not even a phone call...a FUCKING TEXT that says "the repair guy just got here...you should probably just come up here". I said "I hope you have plans to make this up because you wasted my time and if there's anything I hate, it's for my time to be wasted. I could have been up there at 9:30 or been out with my friends. I'm not driving up there because I don't feel like it". Needless to say, he came to my house and we went out...

...TO THE FUCKING DINER!!!!! And that's where he decided to say "I know I fucked up but this is my apology". Word? And that is where I noticed shit that I just can't do...like he can't chew with his mouth closed and he breathes through his mouth when he chews, so it sounds like he's snorting his food and wheezing all at the same time. I almost barfed. Then he starts asking sexual questions like he knows me like that or he just assumed he was getting some ass. Ignored. The check comes and before I could even reach for it to pay my portion, he grabbed it, looked at it and said "you got this, right?" Ummm...I planned on paying for my portion, but if you want me to pay for yours too, that's fine. He proceeded to say "Oh, nah. It was a test that I do." Yeah...I quit. Too done at this point. We get back in the car, get to my house and yeah...he got a pound from me and I bolted out the car. Needless to say, he has not heard hide nor hair from me since then. I QUIT.