Blog 56: 2012 So Far

Well...2012 has started and so far, no shade has been thrown on it, which is a good thing. I'm not too sure what compelled me to blog tonight, but something did. A lot has changed since the last time I blogged in August. Omar and I stopped talking around Christmas. And I mean really stopped talking. It was bad. He called me all kinds of bitches and what not.

So, in 2012 I've also learned that I need to be meaner and that I'm too nice. I don't know if I know how to be mean, though. I've had to be nice for so long when I was a child that I feel like it's permanently who I am. I don't know how to be a bitch. I realize a lot of this has to do with my skin disorder. I had to be overly nice so kids would play with me as a child. Even in my 20's, before I evened out, I had to work extra hard in order to get people to overlook my skin before I evened out. My being nice has had me run over in mud with egg on my face so many times, but I don't know how to change. I want to. I want to be the bitch everyone respects as opposed to the nice girl everyone walks over.

I'll have to continue this later because I'm having the only conversation right now. iCan't.

Blog #54 - Wasted Time and Communication

This is totally based on a true story:

So, Saturday as I was driving back to home (well, sitting in traffic going 2 mph on the Turnpike is more like it) from a most epic weekend, I got hit with a text from Christian*. "You free Tuesday?" I replied with a yes and asked why. I got "Because I want to drive down to see you". Okay, cool. I let him know that I should be home around 5 and he replies that he's off all day so he'll see me Tuesday at 5. Saturday passes, Sunday passes, Monday comes. Around 7:30, I sent Christian a text to confirm that he was coming down the next day and he said yes. I thought about where we would go for dinner and things to do afterwards because that's what happens when he comes down or when I go up to him - we have dinner, a few drinks and just kick it and enjoy each other's company.

Tuesday comes and I left work at 4:30 (if I didn't have plans, I'm pretty sure I would have left around 5:15 or later). I figured it takes about 45 minutes to get from Christian's house to mine based on where he lives, so I shot him a text when I got in the car to see if he left yet so I can judge how far away he is to see if I have time to do some minor running around. Nothing...no response. I thought "hmmm...maybe he's driving and didn't hear it". No, it's not an excuse...that happens to me all the time. Even with my earpiece in, I will straight miss a phone call because I have the windows open and I'm jamming to my iPod like I have no damn sense. Anyways, I got home, changed into some sweats, played with the puppy and before long, I noticed that it was 6:30...still no Christian. At this point, I pretty much figured our plans were done and I was a little worried so I called to see if he was okay. No answer again. If I hit someone up to kick it and then was suddenly unable to make it, you better believe that person will know somehow. Hell, I was laid up in the hospital on a Sunday afternoon and I had the ability to shoot my boss a text that said "in the hospital. They're keeping me overnight".

I thought maybe it was just me having daddy issues from when my step-dad used to do that to me as a little kid (on some random Saturday, Lil TwinkerBelle used to sit on the couch by her front door in her pretty outfit and barrettes waiting for him to show up because he said he would come pick her up at 11 to go school clothes shopping. And she would sit...and sit...and sit. And eventually fall asleep on the couch) but I spoke to two different guys about the situation and they both said that Christian is a douchebag and that it's fugged up that he would be the one to make plans and then bail without some sort of communication. I do think my daddy issues have lead to me being EXTRA irritated about it...but I think it would irritate someone who's father was the best father to them, so that nullifies that. So, I ask you...

Why hit a person up to go out, confirm the day before and then just be a no call/no show the day of? Can one be that inconsiderate of someone else's time that you think they have nothing else to do that day? I do understand that unexpected things happen, but I mean, damn. Can't even shoot a "Can't make it"? Is lack of communication rampant in men my age range (27-32) these days? I haven't been in a relationship or dating someone exclusively roughly since November - and even the break-up on his end lacked communication (How do I find out via a twitpic and not from you. Come on, son). But anyways, do people communicate anymore? Not just talk...people can talk all the time. Communication requires that the person not speaking comprehend and understand...even if you disagree in the end. Is not communicating some new-fangled Tresvant ish from "Generation Real Wrong"? Is communication more important to women than it is to men and if so, how does a couple maintain a relationship without equal parts of communication from both parties. It means nothing if one is speaking but the other isn't listening. Is communication dead?

Blog #53 - Inner Self & Updates

Sunday: So, I was on Twitter today and I follow @EverythingLibra because I'm obviously a Libra. One of the tweets that the posted today was about listening to the inner self to gain inner peace. I don't think I do that too much. I don't think my inner self and I have been on the same page. Maybe it's time that I started. But that might lead to situations I don't want to be in occasionally. Right now, my inner self is telling me to not even bother texting J anymore - currently at war with my like for him on this. I wanna just not text him anymore because I'm always putting in the first text but I know that he's busy with work and all of his other things so it almost feels like I have to if I want to remain in contact with him. It's like a double-edged sword. I think I might start listening to my inner self from now on. Maybe I'll gain a little inner peace. Not that I'm that tormented. Just having internal battles with myself. Battles that aren't being won by anyone at this current moment. LOL

Monday: So after blogging what I did yesterday and saving it, I had a conversation with a friend of mine today about what I was feeling and she pretty much told me essentially the same shit my inner self was telling me - back off. Then I got home today and was reading an article that was something about being thirsty and #6 was something like "if the ratio of him contacting you first vs you contacting him first is leaning heavy towards you doing all of the work". In looking at our last 5 convos, guess who started them all? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!! And it sucks. I have an ex from like 98, 99 that I'm still good friends with and every so often (the last time being 7/16), he'll hit me with "morning beautiful" or "hey pretty" or "just woke up and thought of you, so I wanted to say hey" and my head is like "AKSDFAHSDFK, why can't J do this?" I've already made it up in my mind that come September, I won't be getting on a plane. I'm a little sad about it, but I refuse to get on a plane to see someone that doesn't at least initiate conversation. Say hi or something. But yeah. I'm just gonna let it go and it is what it is. Better to find it out now rather than later. And I'm okay with it. Do I want it to change, sure. Will I force it, no.

Blog #52 - The InStyler

So, after getting my hair cut about a week ago, I wanted to get something that would give my hair some volume and make it easier to curl. I can't ponytail my hair anymore ::sadface:: I've always contemplated about the InStyler...but I never wanted to pay $100 for it. On like Wednesday or Thursday, I bought this rotating blowdryer by Conair (I think) from Walgreens for $60 to see if it could do what I wanted it to do while also being budget as hell. Tried it...and FAIL. Massively complicated and all that jazz. The blowdryer rotates two ways and you never know which button is which and it's just a big ol' mess and a half. Full of no buenage. BUT (and this is why I love the ish out of Walgreens) Walgreens will take anything you don't like back - even after you use it. Shout out to them for that! I got my money back today, hopped my butt to Target and coughed up $100 for the InStyler. I watched the little video that came with it to see if there way anything that I didn't know how to do from the infomercial - not so much. So then I got down to bidnass.

I flatironed my hair last night in preparation for going out (and not in prep for using the InStyler because I actually decided to buy it today) and at the end of the night, my hair was looking totally disrespectful and ratchet as hayul. Just crazy looking. It even looked crazy after I tried to wrap it last night when I got in. RATCHET. I already had some product in it from earlier in the week so when I used the InStyler today, I didn't put anything in my hair. I treated it like it was a flat iron and worked my way from the bottom of my head to the top, overextending when I got to the crown of my head to build volume. I didn't get as much volume as I would have liked, but I think that's because the product from earlier in the week hasn't come all the way out of my hair so it looks like my hair is a little heavy, but that's my own damn fault. I'll just put some baby powder in it to suck up the oil later (maybe I'll put the powder in and then wrap my hurr). As a whole, though...I'm very pleased with this purchase!

My ONLY 2 qualms with it are (and one of them is just my own issue): when using a flat iron, I have a habit of holding the edge to make sure it's curling properly. You don't have to with the InStyler and even if you did, you would burn the BEJESUS out of your fingers because there is no buffer edge so you would literally be touching the actual rotating iron - which gets HOT. I like my fingers just the way they are. No need to burn them off lol. The other issue I have with it is sometimes (and only sometimes - this is NOT an often occurence) when using it on the front part of my hair, it looked like my hair was fried and didn't feel all that great and it almost looked like the InStyler was kicking my hair back into a teased look. How to fix this - use your other hand. I promise you, it's that easy. And if you want to smooth your edges before you put your hair in the InStyler (which I need to do because I haven't put a chemical straightener in my hair since like November) all you have to do is just run the barrel along your roots and you're good! So yeah. Love it and I would recommend it!

Blog #51 - Turn Back the Hands of Time...

Really random just now - I was blogging about love and what have you a few days ago...and my puppy love from high school hit me on Facebook (I'm telling you, it's the devil lol). We're friends or whatever so it wasn't that big a deal. I just thought it was hilarious because he popped into my head the other day because I found "our child". Before you start calling DYFS, lemme explain lol. Back when we were all in luh and stuff, we went to Build-A-Bear and built a son. A pale ass bear with blue eyes and glasses. Named him and did all that kooky stuff they make you do when building the bear. Dressed him in some jeans and timbs too. I giggle thinking about the memory. Anyways, I found the bear. He was nekkid - I don't know why, but he was. So, that's what I meant when I said I found our son lol. Anyways, we're playing catch-up and all that good stuff and it got me to thinking...if I could turn back the hands of time, with at least a little bit of the knowledge I have now - would I have dated him or anyone I dated from middle school until 2010? Probably not. I might have saved myself a WHOLE lot of damn drama lol.

But that's about it. There was more but I was writing this a few days ago so I pretty much forgot what I was going to say. Probably nothing but that it was random as hayul to me.

Blog #50 - How to Love but 1+1...

So, I'm not the biggest Lil Wayne fan at ALL. My liking of Lil Wayne goes to songs where I think it could have been better without him (IE - Kelly Rowland's Motivation, Mike Posner's Bow Chicka Wow Wow), songs of his that have features that I like (IE - Shooter f. Robin Thicke. Robin Thicke was my whole reason for even liking the song in all honesty) or songs where the beat is pretty hot (IE - A Milli. I won't deny that the beat is pretty fly). I was at work on Friday and I heard this autotuned ass voice singing this song called "How to Love". Now, I was busy as shit on Friday, but one part of the song drew me to slow down and pay attention to it, which was "Never really had luck couldn’t never figure out How to Love (how to love)/You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever/Now you in a corner trying to put it together - How to Love". What I got from the lyrics was a girl trying to mend her broken heart over failed relationships and really trying to put her heart together. I would actually have to say that this MIGHT be one of my favorite songs by Lil Wayne on his own (even if he CAN'T sing at all). But, I'm able to identify with this song which is why I probably like it. I've had some pretty shitty relationships that have ended with me being broken and battered emotionally (or maybe physically during the course of the relationship) and after each time, I had to figure out how to love and at what point did it go south. And like Lil Wayne said, I spent a lot of time sitting in the corner looking at my thoughts and looking over my shoulder, trying to figure out what happened, where to go and what to do next.

I guess the question I pose to myself is - after each failed relationship, should I have loved differently? Should I have given less of myself to the next one because of the last one? If so, wouldn't that be holding on to baggage and aren't I against bringing baggage from old relationships into new ones? If one puts their guard up going into the next relationship, wouldn't that be bringing baggage? Maybe guards are different than baggage and you can go into a new relationship with a guard up but devoid of baggage? Does that even make sense? I don't think it does, but what do I know. I'm just sitting in the corner looking at my thoughts and looking over my shoulder for the next one trying to steal my heart.

In the same token, Beyonce has a song called 1+1. While I'm not a Beyonce stan (I have my moments where I like her and where I don't) 1+1 is essentially and could be the quintessential love song. It's basically about how a girl and her man don't need shit else because all they need is each other. Beautiful beautiful message...love it.

How does one go from figuring out how to love to 1+1. Does it take the one person who's trying to figure out how to love or both parties in the relationship. Should one figure out how to love prior to entering the relationship or figure it out along the way? MAYBE....the journey is to be started alone, but end with 2. Who knows lol. I'm clearly not a master of love lol. I'm not even a master of like at this point. But love would be nice at some point.

I think I need to hit the mutual 'like' stage first and with the way things are going, I'm not sure if I'll ever get there with the new guy I like. Maybe he's just busy and focused on his career. Not too sure if I should back off and let him do his thing (I probably will). I hate to think I'm being a pain in the ass with my texting - I just wanna make sure he's okay and stuff. I know he's going on a career change and that can be a little daunting. *positive vibes his way*

Ummm...I think that's it right now. :)

Blog #49 - She Ain't You...

So, this blog stems from a text I got the other day from Omar...but it wasn't Omar. It was his newest baby mama - you know her. I've talked about her...nothing bad. Just about their situation maybe and stuff. Maybe I forgot to include that she is the mother of his newest daughter, so shoutout to him for that. All the message said was "You should tell Omar to change his password". I read it and then brought it up to him the next day and I guess he put two and two together and realized what happened. She apparently went through his phone and was sending all sorts of messages to any females she could find. I guess when he asked her about it, apparently she didn't feel some kind of way with the other females, but did with me and wants to know what I have that she doesn't. I told him that I don't have the crazy girl gene lol. But seriously...I don't. I don't look through people's stuff because when you go looking for shit, you're bound to get dirty. I can't be bothered. Shenanigans. But the title is basically...she can't be me. And I can't be her. I need her to not be worried about what it is that I'm doing and focus on being a mom. The boy asked her if you wanted to get back together and be a family and she shot the poor guy down...but is wanting to know what I have that she doesn't. Don't worry about that. Comparison to an ex is never a good thing in any relationship. I'm going off on a tangent right now so let me go post this and then write another blog lol.

Ciao