So...this goes back to that paragraph about Luis from yesterday/this morning. So, after trivial conversation (again...I'm pretty sure we have a 4 bbm maximum now), I hit him with "I think we're drifting apart" message and he hits me with "I been feeling it for awhile but I blame myself for that", to which I ask why. I think that's a reasonable question. Apparently it's something he does while "attempting a long distance relationship"...but I'm only 2 hours away and I was making the effort. At any rate, the end result is that we're now back to being "non-kissing friends". And I'm pissed about it. I pretty much wasted time, gas, tolls, stupid ass sap tweets/bbms and more importantly, more time trying to take something to the next level on someone who knew that it wasn't gonna work on his end. Wasted energy on my part. I hate it.
Now I feel myself getting more irritated because there I was at some party he invited me to so I could hang with his friends, and all that other stuff and sitting there boo-loving with someone who knew it wasn't gonna work. I think that's why I'm so irritated...because he knew his track record and 1) didn't tell me and 2) didn't tell me so I wouldn't put so much into it. I wouldn't have wasted my time driving to CT and be willing enough to drive the 2 hours back home that same day. The more I think about it, the more I feel blinding rage and fury as opposed to hurt. I'm pretty sure if I was a cartoon character right now, there would be an epic transformation right now.
I feel the rage of Gaianyx taking over ala Jean Gray vs. The Phoenix. As a Libra, we have two sides...one side is our best/most frequent side, when we're happy and everything is magical clouds, unicorns, rainbows and love. But then again...as the scales of balance...as one side is happy...there is a darker, more evil side to us. My evil/ruthless side just happens to have a name - GAIANYX. Gaia is the goddess of the earth and Nyx is the goddess of the night - Gaianyx = goddess of the dark earth. I feel the need to transform myself. Maybe I should thank Luis for this. Maybe...just maybe...he pushed me over the edge to do what I want to do. Again...I feel like an epic transformation is in order or...is already happening inside and I need to bring it outward. Maybe I need to follow the dark rules of survival:
1 - You can't hurt when you're driven by rage/pain (yeah, I borrowed this from my frat brother).
2 - Look out for self.
3 - Never let the wall down.
We shall see how this turns out over the course of the next few days/weeks. I shall be cleaning out my contact list in a few minutes. Let's see where this rage takes me.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Blog #36 - Untitled
So, as I sat here on my bed and drank this orange juice out of this big ass McDonald's cup, my frat brother Todd hits me up on BBM and asks me how my blog is doing. I told him I haven't blogged in a minute and he suggested that I do because "someone could be interested in the novella that is your life". One can only hope...lol. So anyways...let's see what there is to update on. I'll recall the events as I remember them, because we all know my memory sucks.
Banquet
So, my most recent even that I've gone to was my sorority's banquet last night. We had SUCH a blast. It was like short dress banquet...like 99.4% of us had on short dresses. We all got that memo...lol. We had a ringleader, a guy on stilts, a contortionist (who was OD) and a belly dancer...it was fun fun times and we took massive amounts of pics. Then we had a "party" in our hotel room, but ultimately in the end, it wound up being only the chapter room...which was awesome. We woke up in the morning and headed to IHOP and then went about our way. It was exhausting, though. When I got home at like 4, I passed out until 8...and I'm STILL tired :( Outlandish...but it was all good and well worth it. I wore a short blue dress with pockets and nude shoes and matching clutch with black jewelry...and my hair was down...which was a bad idea because it definitely got sweated out due to the dancing. And the liquor had me feeling sooooo nice. I felt no cold whenever I went outside...lmao. But...banquet did come on the heels of a sadness.
Binx
So...randomly one day this week I got an FB im from someone I hadn't talked to in a long time and apparently, he was going through some things. He said he would be heading out on Saturday and wanted me to come see him in PA on Friday. I said okay because...well...he's fucking Binx, lmao. So, I made plans to go out there and see him. I packed up all my stuff for the weekend and headed out there. On my way there on Friday, I looked at my phone and he called me like 4 times. I called him back and...they wanted to ship out that day instead of Saturday...and I was already in PA and was an hour away. I had to pull over into a strip mall parking lot and I just...cried. I think I sat there for about 30 minutes...then, defeated...I headed home...and took a nap. I really wish I could have seen him because I just felt like he would have felt better if he knew someone other than his family cared about what was going on in his life. Oh well...at least I can write him.
Questionable
So, about a month or so ago, I went on a trip to (let's call this place PA) to see this guy (let's call him Luis). Now, the last time I saw Luis when he randomly came to Jersey, it was all gravy. We were booloving and all sorts of stuff and shit was magical and fantastical...even got a few sap tweets in the mix and everything. Fast forward to me staying the night in PA. Everything still seemed sort of okay, albeit not a lot of booloving going on on his end...and whatever was done, kind of felt a little forced. And when we went to his friends house for a birthday party, that's when I kinda feel like it got really sketchy and forced. Almost like...because I was there, everyone assumed we were a couple and he felt like we had to act as such to avoid any long winded explanation of what we were (are? I don't even know anymore..not that I ever did). At any rate, since then...I barely get a BBM from him now and most of what we talk about almost feels forced and is initiated by me...I'm really surprised if we carry a conversation that's longer than 2 minutes or 4 bbms...whichever is shorter. Fast-forward to maybe like 2 weeks ago. He decides to tell me about his ex that he was on and off with for about 5 years and something about her nieces and nephews and how they basically raise the kids together and yadda yadda ya. That's cool and noble of you and all that jazz. Then yesterday...or this morning, I see a twit pic that was taken by one of his friends and it said something about the love between them being disgusting and...not that I was upset by it, but it just threw me off. I don't know why. Oh well. It is what it is. Guess he's another one to throw in the "not so much" pile now, which sucks because I really like(d) him. Oh well. Maybe this is just one of those things and it is whatever it is...which...isn't really anything, I think. And that could be why I feel some kind of way about it. But c'est la vie. Let's get the quote from last night and put it in the head :)
Omar
So, speaking about exes, I'm still talking to Omar and he still has drama which is like a novella and it almost seems like half of the stuff in his life is female related and is therefore SO preventable...but he apparently likes to gamble and then gets upset when he loses the gamble with "I'm so disappointed in myself because I didn't want it to happen this way" and blah blah blah. I just told him "yeah, but you knew what the outcome could be, you took a gamble and you lost", which is what happened. And that's the end of that...lol.
Banquet
So, my most recent even that I've gone to was my sorority's banquet last night. We had SUCH a blast. It was like short dress banquet...like 99.4% of us had on short dresses. We all got that memo...lol. We had a ringleader, a guy on stilts, a contortionist (who was OD) and a belly dancer...it was fun fun times and we took massive amounts of pics. Then we had a "party" in our hotel room, but ultimately in the end, it wound up being only the chapter room...which was awesome. We woke up in the morning and headed to IHOP and then went about our way. It was exhausting, though. When I got home at like 4, I passed out until 8...and I'm STILL tired :( Outlandish...but it was all good and well worth it. I wore a short blue dress with pockets and nude shoes and matching clutch with black jewelry...and my hair was down...which was a bad idea because it definitely got sweated out due to the dancing. And the liquor had me feeling sooooo nice. I felt no cold whenever I went outside...lmao. But...banquet did come on the heels of a sadness.
Binx
So...randomly one day this week I got an FB im from someone I hadn't talked to in a long time and apparently, he was going through some things. He said he would be heading out on Saturday and wanted me to come see him in PA on Friday. I said okay because...well...he's fucking Binx, lmao. So, I made plans to go out there and see him. I packed up all my stuff for the weekend and headed out there. On my way there on Friday, I looked at my phone and he called me like 4 times. I called him back and...they wanted to ship out that day instead of Saturday...and I was already in PA and was an hour away. I had to pull over into a strip mall parking lot and I just...cried. I think I sat there for about 30 minutes...then, defeated...I headed home...and took a nap. I really wish I could have seen him because I just felt like he would have felt better if he knew someone other than his family cared about what was going on in his life. Oh well...at least I can write him.
Questionable
So, about a month or so ago, I went on a trip to (let's call this place PA) to see this guy (let's call him Luis). Now, the last time I saw Luis when he randomly came to Jersey, it was all gravy. We were booloving and all sorts of stuff and shit was magical and fantastical...even got a few sap tweets in the mix and everything. Fast forward to me staying the night in PA. Everything still seemed sort of okay, albeit not a lot of booloving going on on his end...and whatever was done, kind of felt a little forced. And when we went to his friends house for a birthday party, that's when I kinda feel like it got really sketchy and forced. Almost like...because I was there, everyone assumed we were a couple and he felt like we had to act as such to avoid any long winded explanation of what we were (are? I don't even know anymore..not that I ever did). At any rate, since then...I barely get a BBM from him now and most of what we talk about almost feels forced and is initiated by me...I'm really surprised if we carry a conversation that's longer than 2 minutes or 4 bbms...whichever is shorter. Fast-forward to maybe like 2 weeks ago. He decides to tell me about his ex that he was on and off with for about 5 years and something about her nieces and nephews and how they basically raise the kids together and yadda yadda ya. That's cool and noble of you and all that jazz. Then yesterday...or this morning, I see a twit pic that was taken by one of his friends and it said something about the love between them being disgusting and...not that I was upset by it, but it just threw me off. I don't know why. Oh well. It is what it is. Guess he's another one to throw in the "not so much" pile now, which sucks because I really like(d) him. Oh well. Maybe this is just one of those things and it is whatever it is...which...isn't really anything, I think. And that could be why I feel some kind of way about it. But c'est la vie. Let's get the quote from last night and put it in the head :)
Omar
So, speaking about exes, I'm still talking to Omar and he still has drama which is like a novella and it almost seems like half of the stuff in his life is female related and is therefore SO preventable...but he apparently likes to gamble and then gets upset when he loses the gamble with "I'm so disappointed in myself because I didn't want it to happen this way" and blah blah blah. I just told him "yeah, but you knew what the outcome could be, you took a gamble and you lost", which is what happened. And that's the end of that...lol.
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