Blog #58 - Refill

I was listening to Pandora the other day and I happened upon this Elle Varner song called Refill. Love the song. It's about how this chick is really into this guy and compares him to being drunk and how she needs a refill and he's intoxicating. A few men I've dated have popped into my head. Then...I saw the video. The video is LIFE. It reminded me of my time with Jay from Chicago. Only the video was along the lines of one night and ours was about 3 days. Same principle, though. Just stretch the timing out.

In playing this song, I kinda realized that although I've been kicking it with Mike for about a year...I'm kinda not getting that intoxicated feeling from him. There isn't a pressing need to want to be with him. Sometimes I do miss him because we sort of fell into the mechanics of a potential relationship...but I kinda feel like if we stopped talking, it wouldn't be a devastating thing. It would be more like "Well, I need to go use these coupons before they expire on Friday". I don't know if I should want or expect butterflies all of the time in a relationship (in general, not specifically with Mike)...I feel like I should want to feel butterflies and be excited all the time. Who knows. Anyways, it's late. I'm gonna go.

"Can I get a refill of your touch. 'Cause you're intoxicating my mind, feeling like a conversational lush. 'Cause I don't know how much is too much. I feel like the girl who's been at the bar way too long. Can't stand up..."

Blog #57 - Black Sheep

So, I was on Twitter and someone I follow posted this song on their tumblr. And I fell in love. This song gives me so much life. It's called "Black Sheep" by Jennah Bell. Her voice is hauntingly beautiful. And it so fits where I am on this day, because "there's nothing I can do for you that you would want me to." And "you can go if it pleases you; I hope that newer pastures are what you need. Greener than what I could give to you."

Isn't it fabulous?

Blog 56: 2012 So Far

Well...2012 has started and so far, no shade has been thrown on it, which is a good thing. I'm not too sure what compelled me to blog tonight, but something did. A lot has changed since the last time I blogged in August. Omar and I stopped talking around Christmas. And I mean really stopped talking. It was bad. He called me all kinds of bitches and what not.

So, in 2012 I've also learned that I need to be meaner and that I'm too nice. I don't know if I know how to be mean, though. I've had to be nice for so long when I was a child that I feel like it's permanently who I am. I don't know how to be a bitch. I realize a lot of this has to do with my skin disorder. I had to be overly nice so kids would play with me as a child. Even in my 20's, before I evened out, I had to work extra hard in order to get people to overlook my skin before I evened out. My being nice has had me run over in mud with egg on my face so many times, but I don't know how to change. I want to. I want to be the bitch everyone respects as opposed to the nice girl everyone walks over.

I'll have to continue this later because I'm having the only conversation right now. iCan't.