Blog #42 - Kinky Curly and My Experiment

I wanted to write a quick blog about Kinky Curly and the curling custard, so...here it is!

So...I have heard from some of my forum friends and via my mother about this hair care line called Kinky-Curly (http://kinky-curly.com) that's designed to let you "Stop being a slave to your hair. Step away from the blowdryer. Unplug that flat iron. Go Natural and experience the freedom of wash and go hair. Natural hair is beautiful hair and with the right products and styling techniques can flourish and grow to great lengths!" (and that's straight from the website homepage, btw). My mother knows my struggle with finding hair products to make my curls look nice and purty so she was in Targét (yeah, I called Target Targét...don't judge...lol), saw the product and bought me the spritz and the curling custard. I'm going out tonight and I always hate going out with straight hair because I'm a dancing machine and I sweat my hair out, so I said "self, let's try this curling custard" and we got in the shower, washed the hair (which, coincidentally still had henna in it. I told you it's like rinsing dirt out) and conditioned it and got out. On the jar, it says that if you have thick coarse hair to use the product when your hair is soaking wet. Towel-drying it is no bueno because of frizz and yadda yadda yadda. I sat down and started to part my hair. THIS IS WHERE I'M NOT HAPPY - while I realized that putting the henna in my hair would loosen my curls, I didn't know it would loosen them THIS much. I got a relaxer in like October but with every relaxer (and I only get one no more than 3-4 times a year), I've always maintained my curls. My hair is like bone straight from my roots to about 3/4 down (basically damn near to my ends). My solution to this was to twist my hair and hit it with the diffuser (because I don't have the time/patience to airdry tonight...lol) and then comb through the twists once it was dry enough and then hit it with the diffuser again. And that plan went though.

When I was first finished with it, I felt like it looked like a failed experiment from the island of Dr. Moreau, but I'm kind of okay with it now. I think it could look so much better, but I have to let the henna grow out which is going to take months, so my curly plan is to just twist, diffuse, twist out and diffuse some more.

Oh well. C'est la vie. Adios, mis amigos.

Blog #41 - Excitement

So, about 50 minutes ago, I got a phone call from a number I know all TOO well - the number to my recruiter at a pharmaceutical company. I had a 2nd interview on Friday and I know that they were interviewing yesterday so I didn't really think anything of it. BUT today would be a different phone call. Today she offered me the job - I screamed in her ear...lol. I'm so excited. Like...DUMB excited. The fact that I don't even have a car right now isn't even bothering me...I will completely work it out to fill out the paperwork tomorrow. It WILL happen. I'll figure it out. But this is my excited post. Thank you, drive through

Blog #40 - Friday Night Lights...lol

I know that today is Monday but I'm writing about Friday, so don't judge me...lol.

Matt, Jon and I went out to Perle to meet up with our homegirl, her brother and her 2 cousins for her cousins birthday. Getting dressed, I had no idea how to do my makeup: should I do a smokey eye and nude lips or red lips and a cat eye? It's New Brunswick, so I decided on a red lip and cat-eye because it was quick and simple (not like a smokey eye isn't simple and quick, though) and I was wearing a black shirt and black boots and I needed some color at least on my face. I didn't look like anything special in my book (let me stop here and say that the last time I went to NB not looking like anything special, I met Chicago man, so I should have known...lol). So, I pick up Matt and we meet up with his new chick, her 2 friends and her brother (who is dating one of her friends...I feel like that's a sticky situation, but I digress). We're having a good ol' time in the little hip-hop room and here is where the drama begins. I know one of the bouncers there from high school (remember, it IS a local spot) and he asked me to check if this dude smells like weed. I couldn't tell from where I was sitting, so he gave me 10 bucks to buy dude a drink at the bar so I can get closer. He and I go to the bar and then we leave to go to the bar in the bigger room. I buy him his drink and then we head back and apparently that set off a whole chain reaction of emotions and anger and arguing from one of the girls and the dude and Matt's chick started to get mad at Matt for no reason and I'm just oblivious to all of this because...I came to dance and have a good damn time. I saw Matt talking to Jon and I went over to be nosy and that's when they told me that apparently I caused some childlike drama. I need for some chicks to not be so damn dramatica over nothing. So, that was the end of that. I saw Nancy and Elisa randomly, which was nice...even though Nancy wouldn't get her ass up and dance. She sucks. My Friday night was KO'd when as Matt, Jon and I are walking to the parking deck to our cars, this truck full of chicks pulls up, the passenger window comes down and this girl yells out "mami with the tan jacket and black boots!!!" (nevermind that I'm the only chick walking on the entire street...lol) "You are looking so sexy! And you were so sexy dancing!!!" Jon and Matt then pushed me to walk in front with Matt saying "You know if we weren't here, that would have gone down tooooooooootally different" and this fool Jon co-signing with "Yup. It would have been 'mami with the tan jacket and black boots' and then they would have ran out the car, grabbed you and you would have got kidnapped". I need new friends because clearly they just don't like me. And THAT was my Friday night. I caused drama and got accosted by a girl. New Brunswick, I tell you. I never have these problems when I go anywhere else...lmao

On a side note: my cat eye looked SO much better on the day I took the picture with the ring in my mouth than on Friday. Maybe because I actually put some effort into my makeup that day ::kanye shrug:: I should probably put more effort into my makeup this coming Friday because I definitely got punked into going to a birthday party at GnO, which is probably going to fail my life. But...at least I'll look good...lol. I was thinking of wearing my black dress with the zipper and my nude Aldo shoes...but it's gonna be cold and I don't think I like Mudbone like that to get all dressy and uber pretty...lol. I think that's more of a NYE dress, anyways. Maybe I'll just wear some jeans, my shoes and I'll try to find a shirt in my array of shirts that I have here.

OOOH, side note number 2: So, Sunday after I dropped my parentals off at the airport and I was waiting for my homie to bring me my gift, I got a wonderful surprise: a Facebook im from Binx!!! I was uber shocked and delighted all at the same time because I completely wasn't expecting that. I can't wait to go visit him...that's my dude.

Blog #39 - Legit Henna Blog

So, as you know (probably vaguely) I used henna in my hair for the first time last night/this morning. I think I was a little bat-shit crazy because I was so exhausted so my post was all over the place and crazy sounding. I've had a chance to sleep, albeit for not a long time...but I did sleep, so I'm a little better to write it (not like anyone is really really reading it, though...lol). I haven't had the chance to straighten my hair and wasn't gonna blog...but what the hell. There's always an edit button for later!

Product: Rainbow Henna in Persian Medium Brown (Chestnut)
Necessities: Money (it's about $6.99 not including tax at Whole Foods)
I wish I would have taken pictures of it beforehand (clearly I suck as a product review blogger...lol). Regular henna is normally just RED (for the Rainbow Henna, it would be called Persian Red); however, Rainbow comes in different colors (http://www.rainbowresearch.com/chart.html) although I kept more towards the dark side of the spectrum. Truth be told, I wouldn't rock with the lighter end of the spectrum because I feel like it kind of defeats the purpose of henna itself and that it might have too many ingredients in order to get it that color. But that's just me and my thoughts. I didn't look at the ingredients on the lighter side of things at all so I couldn't even tell you. The ingredients on the Chestnut henna I got are "lawsonia inermis" and "indigofereae"...essentially the henna plant and indigo. It's a gritty green looking powder and smells like tea, in my opinion.

Product Mixing
Necessities: hot water, henna, plastic bowl/container (I used a cool whip container), plastic knife for mixing
I was doing research and people have all sorts of concoctions for mixing their henna...I decided to go by the instructions and just use hot water. The instructions state to use 1 cup of henna and one cup of boiling water. Well, one cup of the henna is the entire jar, so pow. Put that in the plastic container. I can tell you right now, you're going to need more than one cup of hot water, but start out with one cup. I made mine boil in the microwave and then slowly added it to the powder while stirring with the plastic knife. It became this thick and not very well mixed clump of stuff, so I gradually added more hot water and stirred until it became about as thick as cake batter (imagine green cake batter). And it still smelled like tea...lol.

Product Placement
Necessities: time, patience, gloves, a shirt you don't give a shit about, a hairdye brush from the hair store (it's like $2), a towel, saran wrap/plastic bag/plastic processing cap (the shower caps from the hair salon that they put on you for a deep conditioning) or a friend with all these things
PRODUCT PLACEMENT TIME!!!! I was watching videos on how to apply and they just slapped it on there, so I thought I could do the same thing. Oh, no ma'am. Little did I pay attention that those were natural girls with TWA's (teeny weeny afros) and they could just do that. Not us chicks with long hair. I started out doing it the right way by parting my hair and then applying. Then, somewhere after the first part, I got lazy and said what the hell and just schlacked it on my head. BAD MOVE!!! IF YOU HAVE LONG HAIR, DON'T DO THIS!!! And by long hair...I mean anything past the top of your ear. You NEED to part and place in order for it to coat all of your hair. I didn't part and place and I KNOW I missed some spots. When you part your hair, I recommend going from side to side so it's easier when you get to your hairline and edges. I also recommend parting and not schlacking because...HENNA IS MESSY. That's why I said get a shirt you don't give a shit about (like a shirt you got from a boyfriend but you guys broke up and you dont' care about it anymore). When it dries, it looks (and acts) like mud. Going from bottom to top will eliminate some movement so it doesn't clump off as much (remember, mine is green. It looked like a gerbil and a hamster got together and collectively decided to poop on my floor...lol). IIIIIII thought I was being smart and was just gonna apply it everywhere with no parting and no dyebrush and just use my hands. Very bad move. I had massive clumps falling down my arms, falling on my shirt (because remember, you have to apply it to your hair like cake frosting). I couldn't get inside to the middle of my head because the henna dried up, so I'm pretty sure I have places that are untouched by the henna because I decided to be hardheaded and think I was cute and being fast about it. Once you're done, you can either put a plastic processing cap on, a plastic bag or wrap your hair in saran wrap. I did saran wrap and a plastic processing cap. Then, the package said to let it sit for 60-75 minutes without heat. I sat for an hour and a half. I've read of people sleeping with it on - I'm a wild sleeper and don't really trust myself for it to stay on...lol.

The Rinse-Out
Necessities: a shower, a sponge, a wide-tooth comb, sturdy shower lining (if you don't have doors), shampoo and conditioner
So, 90 minutes passed and I went to rinse out. If you have shower curtains, please make sure your shower liner is stuck to the wall via the water so you don't get what looks like dirt outside of your shower (like I did because I was stupid and didn't think to do that). BE WARNED: because Rainbow Henna has particles in it and because it dries like mud, it will feel like you are rinsing dirt out of your hair. Literal dirt. Like you went to the park, put your head in dirt and just rubbed it all in your hair. Not even joking. You will be in the shower for at least 20 minutes just rinsing. Not even washing your body. The rinsing alone felt like it took me like 20 minutes with hair that doesn't touch my bra strap. If your hair is longer, I'm assuming you'd be in the shower rinsing it out longer (but I don't know...I don't have long hair). I think I'm still finding small particles of henna in my hair. I say you need the sponge, because if you're like me, you will want to do clean up as you go to eliminate the clean-up after (and particularly because I rinsed out at like 12:30am. I wasn't beat for staying up longer and cleaning up after). My hair definitely felt softer as the henna was coming out, though. I will say that. I didn't have my wide tooth comb in the shower to comb out my hair. You'll be able to feel where the henna still it because it'll feel like clumps, but your hair will definitely be softer. I have coarse hair (in my opinion) so it definitely felt softer. Color change, I don't think so, honestly. But you can never tell when your hair is wet. I feel like my ends and roots finally match, so that might be a good sign. I also read that henna dries your hair out a little bit, so I slept with a leave-in conditioner and a little Razac in my hair. It still kinda smells like tea, though...lol.

The End Result
Necessities: blow dryer, flat iron, parting comb, hair clip and hair tie
So, the end result. I actually haven't gotten to this step yet, because I woke up not too long ago and took the showercap off my damn head so my hair could dry. I shall be back with an edit at some point today! Toodles!

Blog #38 - What the Fuck and Henna

So, as I sit here with this henna in my hair for like an hour and some change (wtf), I decided to blog as it has been a minute since I HAVE blogged. Let's see what's going on in life, shall we?

So, Mr. CT Man and I (because I forgot what I called him) have called it a quits. Well, he called it a quits and was just gonna let me figure it out on my own if I didn't call him on it. But, I think we had this discussion. So, anyways...he's back with his ex-fiancee. Like I didn't see that one coming. But like I told him: I wish him well.

So, I was bored tonight and decided to put some henna in my hair. I have been contemplating this move for a really really long time now and just said fuck it. I was at Whole Foods to see if they ahd the Kinky Curly hair products (which they didn't), but I saw the henna and said "why the hell not?" My head is hot. I have it wrapped in saran wrap and then have a plastic processing cap on top of it. I look like a plastic conehead. My head feels like it weighs like 80 pounds. Kinda like it did after they gave me Demerol in the hospital for my appendix. Fail...lol. Here I am thinking I'm like the cute little natural chicks with the short hair and that I can just schlack the shit on my hair...sike MY mind. I really should have just done what I was going to do and do it piece by piece, section by section so that I wouldn't fuck shit up. But CLEARLY I fucked it up. Oh well...I can wait 6 months :) So, here's the process: Put the henna in your hair, section by section, making sure to coat all of the hair in the section with the henna and to not waste henna because this stuff is thick like mud and will clump and fall around you like mud, too. My henna was green, so it looked like a gerbil was running around by my mirror and pooped on my floor...lol. But I think I got most of it up. I then wrapped my hair in saran wrap and put a plastic shower cap on it and here I am now :) I think I'm gonna wash it out at 12:30ish. I think I was done with it at 11, but I'm not really sure. I figure 12:30 is a safe bet. So, that's it for now and I'll be back to edit later!

Blog #37 Irritation and Gaianyx

So...this goes back to that paragraph about Luis from yesterday/this morning. So, after trivial conversation (again...I'm pretty sure we have a 4 bbm maximum now), I hit him with "I think we're drifting apart" message and he hits me with "I been feeling it for awhile but I blame myself for that", to which I ask why. I think that's a reasonable question. Apparently it's something he does while "attempting a long distance relationship"...but I'm only 2 hours away and I was making the effort. At any rate, the end result is that we're now back to being "non-kissing friends". And I'm pissed about it. I pretty much wasted time, gas, tolls, stupid ass sap tweets/bbms and more importantly, more time trying to take something to the next level on someone who knew that it wasn't gonna work on his end. Wasted energy on my part. I hate it.

Now I feel myself getting more irritated because there I was at some party he invited me to so I could hang with his friends, and all that other stuff and sitting there boo-loving with someone who knew it wasn't gonna work. I think that's why I'm so irritated...because he knew his track record and 1) didn't tell me and 2) didn't tell me so I wouldn't put so much into it. I wouldn't have wasted my time driving to CT and be willing enough to drive the 2 hours back home that same day. The more I think about it, the more I feel blinding rage and fury as opposed to hurt. I'm pretty sure if I was a cartoon character right now, there would be an epic transformation right now.

I feel the rage of Gaianyx taking over ala Jean Gray vs. The Phoenix. As a Libra, we have two sides...one side is our best/most frequent side, when we're happy and everything is magical clouds, unicorns, rainbows and love. But then again...as the scales of balance...as one side is happy...there is a darker, more evil side to us. My evil/ruthless side just happens to have a name - GAIANYX. Gaia is the goddess of the earth and Nyx is the goddess of the night - Gaianyx = goddess of the dark earth. I feel the need to transform myself. Maybe I should thank Luis for this. Maybe...just maybe...he pushed me over the edge to do what I want to do. Again...I feel like an epic transformation is in order or...is already happening inside and I need to bring it outward. Maybe I need to follow the dark rules of survival:

1 - You can't hurt when you're driven by rage/pain (yeah, I borrowed this from my frat brother).
2 - Look out for self.
3 - Never let the wall down.

We shall see how this turns out over the course of the next few days/weeks. I shall be cleaning out my contact list in a few minutes. Let's see where this rage takes me.

Blog #36 - Untitled

So, as I sat here on my bed and drank this orange juice out of this big ass McDonald's cup, my frat brother Todd hits me up on BBM and asks me how my blog is doing. I told him I haven't blogged in a minute and he suggested that I do because "someone could be interested in the novella that is your life". One can only hope...lol. So anyways...let's see what there is to update on. I'll recall the events as I remember them, because we all know my memory sucks.

Banquet
So, my most recent even that I've gone to was my sorority's banquet last night. We had SUCH a blast. It was like short dress banquet...like 99.4% of us had on short dresses. We all got that memo...lol. We had a ringleader, a guy on stilts, a contortionist (who was OD) and a belly dancer...it was fun fun times and we took massive amounts of pics. Then we had a "party" in our hotel room, but ultimately in the end, it wound up being only the chapter room...which was awesome. We woke up in the morning and headed to IHOP and then went about our way. It was exhausting, though. When I got home at like 4, I passed out until 8...and I'm STILL tired :( Outlandish...but it was all good and well worth it. I wore a short blue dress with pockets and nude shoes and matching clutch with black jewelry...and my hair was down...which was a bad idea because it definitely got sweated out due to the dancing. And the liquor had me feeling sooooo nice. I felt no cold whenever I went outside...lmao. But...banquet did come on the heels of a sadness.

Binx
So...randomly one day this week I got an FB im from someone I hadn't talked to in a long time and apparently, he was going through some things. He said he would be heading out on Saturday and wanted me to come see him in PA on Friday. I said okay because...well...he's fucking Binx, lmao. So, I made plans to go out there and see him. I packed up all my stuff for the weekend and headed out there. On my way there on Friday, I looked at my phone and he called me like 4 times. I called him back and...they wanted to ship out that day instead of Saturday...and I was already in PA and was an hour away. I had to pull over into a strip mall parking lot and I just...cried. I think I sat there for about 30 minutes...then, defeated...I headed home...and took a nap. I really wish I could have seen him because I just felt like he would have felt better if he knew someone other than his family cared about what was going on in his life. Oh well...at least I can write him.

Questionable
So, about a month or so ago, I went on a trip to (let's call this place PA) to see this guy (let's call him Luis). Now, the last time I saw Luis when he randomly came to Jersey, it was all gravy. We were booloving and all sorts of stuff and shit was magical and fantastical...even got a few sap tweets in the mix and everything. Fast forward to me staying the night in PA. Everything still seemed sort of okay, albeit not a lot of booloving going on on his end...and whatever was done, kind of felt a little forced. And when we went to his friends house for a birthday party, that's when I kinda feel like it got really sketchy and forced. Almost like...because I was there, everyone assumed we were a couple and he felt like we had to act as such to avoid any long winded explanation of what we were (are? I don't even know anymore..not that I ever did). At any rate, since then...I barely get a BBM from him now and most of what we talk about almost feels forced and is initiated by me...I'm really surprised if we carry a conversation that's longer than 2 minutes or 4 bbms...whichever is shorter. Fast-forward to maybe like 2 weeks ago. He decides to tell me about his ex that he was on and off with for about 5 years and something about her nieces and nephews and how they basically raise the kids together and yadda yadda ya. That's cool and noble of you and all that jazz. Then yesterday...or this morning, I see a twit pic that was taken by one of his friends and it said something about the love between them being disgusting and...not that I was upset by it, but it just threw me off. I don't know why. Oh well. It is what it is. Guess he's another one to throw in the "not so much" pile now, which sucks because I really like(d) him. Oh well. Maybe this is just one of those things and it is whatever it is...which...isn't really anything, I think. And that could be why I feel some kind of way about it. But c'est la vie. Let's get the quote from last night and put it in the head :)

Omar
So, speaking about exes, I'm still talking to Omar and he still has drama which is like a novella and it almost seems like half of the stuff in his life is female related and is therefore SO preventable...but he apparently likes to gamble and then gets upset when he loses the gamble with "I'm so disappointed in myself because I didn't want it to happen this way" and blah blah blah. I just told him "yeah, but you knew what the outcome could be, you took a gamble and you lost", which is what happened. And that's the end of that...lol.

Blog #35 - Randomly Awesome

So, I am officially 27. Don't feel any different from 26 but I am getting closer to 30. I hear 30 is pretty awesome, though. I will admit that I got a lil sad thinking about what I always thought my life was going to be at 27 (married with at least one kid), but hey...I'm not even being a hater about it. Sometimes things don't go as planned and that is quite alright :) My brother and I are on the right track to getting to that relationship that we've been lacking, which is pretty dope.

Jon and Tiffany got married last Friday. It was such a beautiful wedding! I had Dressgate2010, though. I bought this dress that I had been looking for for months! Bought it in September and was so excited to wear it. I go to put it on the day of the wedding and the damn thing is fitting ALL WRONG...and it was like 12 something on Friday and I had to go to the dance studio from 1-3 and then hightail it to the wedding to be there by 4. I tried on like 6 different dress and outfit combinations before settling for Banquet Dress 2008, which was a tube top dress and was flowy at the bottom. But, I didn't want to wear black to a wedding so SoSo said I could go at 2, I hightailed it over to Burlington Coat Factory and found this gorgeous dress that I wound up buying...and looked FABULOUS in! And it just so happened that Steph bought me a pair of blue shoes that Thursday so...POW!!! Awesomeness 101.

Speaking of Thursday, I met a guy that day...not that I was trying to, though. I did look pretty awesome that day :) I had on my green short-sleeved turtleneck dress, some brown heels, my brown giraffe jacket, a pair of gold earrings, a gold necklace with yellow, brown and orange gems in it and my orange cuff bracelet and gold/orange stone ring with green and brown makeup. Divalicious :) Anyways, he came to my table and we started talking...table chit-chat, or so I thought. Then he started talking to someone else and I thought that was the end of it until he handed me his business card and told me we were going out to lunch the next week...lol. We actually wound up going out for a drink later on that night after his last seminar on being Young, Black and Conscious (I would have stayed for it, but I didn't feel so hot so I went home early). But yeah...he's a nice guy...lives not too far from my chapter. Hopefully I'll get to see him when he gets back from his trip.

Trips...TEEFIE!!! He came to see me like last Monday and we had such an awesome time!!! I <3 him lots!!! ::bbm hug face:: We went to the mall and he styled me and I styled him. I actually have to go back and buy a dress that he picked out for me so I can look all awesome in it. He wants me to go to CT on Sunday; I have to see.

So, that just about wraps things up on the update for me. I signed up for shoedazzle.com, so I'm waiting to see what they have in store for me...lol.

Peace out, cubscout.

Blog #34 - We Are Family

So, this weekend was Labor Day Weekend. My Aunt Tonia invited me to a block party that her block was throwing in Brooklyn. She told me that my little brother was going to be there and you guys know that when someone tells me my little brother is going to be somewhere, I'm in there like a wedgie. So, I met up with her at her job and then we headed down. Apparently, in his heart he knew I wasn't coming so...SURPRISE!!! Lol...no one else knew I was coming, either so I'm a pretty awesome surprise, I must say. My brother brought his girlfriend with him and I wasn't feeling her attitude and some of the things she was saying, but that's neither here nor there (although she almost caught a beat down). The end result of her being there was that she left at some point. During the day, my brother and I took a walk and just talked about a lot of things - we talked about what's going on with him, what's going on in the BX with his mom, we talked about work and we talked about Daddy. But most importantly, we talked about US and our relationship and we both agreed that we can't blame our parents for mistakes they made keeping us apart and that now we're both older, we can move that to the back and move forward and love each other and develop that sister/brother relationship that we've been needing to do. It was awesome and wonderful. Of course I cried like a punk, but I couldn't help it. That's my little brother, you know? So what if he is over a foot taller than me...lol. We're supposed to hang out on Saturday and I can't wait. I really want him to come visit me in Jersey. And my mother should accept it...but that's another topic that I really don't want to put out on front street. I got to see my cousins Dominique and her man Chris, my cousin Devona and my new cousin Jasmine. My Aunt Tonia told me to stop being bourgeois because I didn't want to walk down the street with a plate of mac and cheese...lol. We had SUCH a good time that I didn't want to leave and my brother and cousins didn't want me to leave either, but I had to. I had to make sure they didn't tow my car from where I parked because that fine is a beyotch. Came home and saw that they didn't, so know I know that I can leave it there overnight. But the absolute end result of the weekend is...

I love my family. No matter what goes on, and what happens, my family will always be there and love me, regardless of my faults.

Blog #33 - Saturdays at the Bar

So...on Saturday, I was completely bored and didn't wanna be in the house, so I decided to go out alone. I wound up at Maritas, which is a local bar around my way...probably 20 minutes from me. I went and wound up talking to some guy named Elijah. We had a really good conversation about different things - apparently I dress like a 26 year old, but that's neither here nor there. It was a really good convo. Mr. Elijah looked at me crazy when I told him that I came by myself, I don't have any kids, I'm single and some other things. Why is that such a shocker, I don't know. But anyways, it was fun. There were no assumptions of kicking game, no macking...just honest convo. I saw Tremell, but ignored him.

I had more but this was from like 2 weeks ago and my comp kept resetting so...I forgot...lmao

Blog #32 - The Hell Is Goings On?

I dunno, damnit. My mind is all over the place. And now I'm disappointed in myself because once again, I let my sorority life take over my family life. The first time was like 3 weeks ago when we had our chapter bbq and I wound up not seeing my cousin Raheem that I haven't seen since my grandmother died. This weekend, I was supposed to go to the Old Timers bbq in Harlem but I wound up going to another meeting and wound up missing my little brother. Fuck my life, man. I feel like such a jackass. However, I don't think I can fully blame the little brother thing on my sorority. I definitely didn't know he was going to go. Apparently he just randomly showed up. I wonder how he even found out, because I didn't tell him before he deleted his FB page. Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to stalk him somehow...lol. But Yonkers is kinda big. Might have to call in reinforcements in the name of my sister.

So, the man is gone. He left on Thursday. It was fun while it lasted. We went to a diner and just chilled out and stuff there, and then since it was hot and nighttime, we hung out on the bench in the back of my complex by the tennis court and just talked about different things. We took a few pics (even the kissing one...lol) before he left and that was that. It was really sweet and nice. I'm not even mad at it anymore, not that I ever was. It was definitely an experience I'm glad I had - shows me that there's definitely more than just "ay yo shorty" dudes out there. And being that he's older, I'm pretty sure that's where I have to look. Gotta find me a 27 and up club to frequent to get approached like that again, because dudes my age just don't do that. They suck. I just hope we keep in touch because...I wanna go to Chicago! Lolol...but I know I don't need him in order to go to Chicago...but yeah. It's the man...lol. ::kanye shrug::

So, like I said in blog...I think 28 or 29, me and Mr. Songz have been getting it in. I've been listening to the Anticipation mixtape like...steady. If it wasn't a mixtape, it woulda been a banging ass CD, mostly full of slow jams. Speaking of Mr. Songz and cd's, his new joint is coming out on September 14 (which happens to be my big's birthday...lol). I'm actually going to buy it. Like, go to Best Buy and buy the CD...only for the album pictures, though...lol. You don't get those with digital copies. The album artwork is dopeness and I wanna support an artist that I actually like a lot. I apparently have over 110 of his songs on my iPod due to the addition of 3 of his mixtapes.

In another unrelated/related field (so yeah, I think this has pretty much turned into a random rant...lol), I'm supposed to hang out with my dude Ty in a few weeks, once his son goes back home to Barbados or Bermuda...I feel like he said Bermuda, though. Apparently, I'm not allowed to play bartender though, which sucks. I like creating stuff. I'm supposed to just sit back and chill and let him do the damn drink-making. I've been relegated to just making one beverage. It is what it is, though. I'm excited about it as this will be the first time we'll be seeing each other outside of commuting on the train to and from work. Good times will be aplenty!!!

Listening to this song reminds me that I need to make a slow jam playlist. I thought I had one, but I'm guessing that was on my other laptop, which is clearly no longer in existence. This song would definitely be on there. The song I'm listening to is called On Top. Awesomely wonderful.

I'm going to go to bed now. I'm tired and I think this ponytail is giving me a headache...damn thing isn't even tight. I think it's the stuff I put in my hair making my curls hard and they were stuck going down and now that they're back, they don't like it. I'm gonna use different stuff tomorrow. This is ludicrous. And I still need to order my Dominican shampoo, conditioner, deep conditioner and hair color. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow too and put a rush on it so it gets here on Friday. Aaaaaaand POST!

Blog #31 - He Got Spark & He Got Spunk...

...He got something all the girls want. *dances around*

Please note that this is all drunk blogging. Damn wine got me feeling like Captain Courageous...lol.

So, I been talking a lot of shit the past 2 days about this guy I met on Friday, saying I'm glad I met him and then being mad and saying I wish I hadn't met him, BUT. Right now, at this very moment, I think he's my drug. And he'll continue to be my drug until Thursday when he leaves. He said he'll keep in touch and I don't know how true that is, but why worry about the future right now? I'll just enjoy our time together now...and that time is amazing. Just thinking about it makes me cheese mad hard right now (that might be the liquor, though. Although thinking about it does make me smile...lol).

So, last night, he and I went to Friday's on some semi-random shit. He called me earlier in the day and said he wanted to chill so, I hit him with the "hit me when you're free" joint. Sure enough, he hit me around 9:30, 10ish to hang out. I ran home to go change my clothes because I looked like a straight bum. In less than 30 minutes I went from looking like a hot ass mess with glasses to looking like something...that's how much I care...lol. We ended up at Friday's purely because it was close and it was open and we ate...he bit off of me and had a chicken Caesar salad, too, but that's neither here nor there. We talk about maaaaad stuff like why I'm single; he asked me why I didn't run away when he told me he was divorced, embarrassing stories from our childhood, what are some things that our best friends would say about us and just stuff like that. The conversation was completely awesome. Then he drove me back to my house and we sat in the car and talked some more while looking at the sky and stars...in the middle of kissing like HELL. Good lawd, can the boy kiss!!! Let the congregation say "Amen and hallelujah" on that one. He's supposed to stop by tomorrow so we can go swimming and all that good stuff. It should be fun. My silly ass asked him if he would miss me when he leaves and he was equally silly and said "I'll miss you when I leave you tonight". We're jackasses...lol. I hope he stops by early tomorrow....

Blog #30 - This Is Some Bullshit, Pt. 2 (Now That I've Had Time to Think About It)

So I know in the last blog from earlier today I said that I was happy to have had the experience of meeting Jay last night. I feel like I wanna take that back. I feel like I got straight mind-gamed like hell. I let the guard down all because of a nice approach, introduction, smile and conversation. I wish the Universe hadn't done it because now...nothing will ever be the same and no one else will compare to that. That was IT...the most impressed upon first meeting someone that I will ever be in my entire life. I think I was better off not knowing that it exists because from now on, every dude will have to measure up to that and I know that perfect shit like that only happens once probably once in a lifetime. Not that I'm sprung off of some first meeting shit, though. Stuff like that happens. It's kinda like once you have filet mignon, you can't go back to Steakums. Or, you can, but you will be unsatisfied like hell with that damn Steakum and be longing for that filet mignon forever until you get it again. And then you'll be longing for it again and again. It's a vicious circle. So yeah. That's that. I'm over it now. That was so yesterday. Onward with the dating strike!!!

Blog #29 - This Is Some Bullshit...

It really is. The cosmic forces of the Universe are laughing at me right now because they orchestrated this whole thing after I said I was giving up dating.

So, I went out last night with my friends to celebrate Rob and Ramon's birthdays. First of all, I felt all sorts of ugly because I was rushing and stuff, but anyways, that's neither here nor there. So, we headed to downtown NB because that's where they wanted to celebrate their birthdays. So me, Yari and Jon walk in and I saw my homie D.G. from high school and I went to say hi really quick, then went back and stood by Jon and Yari while two stepping. In the middle of two stepping, I was approached by this tall, good looking guy and the approach was everything I always talk about wanting. He came up, stuck out his hand for a handshake and said simply "Hi, how you doing tonight? My name is Jay and I was wondering if I could buy you a drink." I was so stunned that I just said yeah. After that, we sort of became a little inseparable. We moved off to the seats and just started talking about everything. He told me why he was divorced, we talked about his son, why I'm single, what it is I'm looking for, favorite animals...random things like that. I met his brother and his cousin (because that's who he came out with last night). He was funny and honest and all the stuff that a chick likes in a dude. While we were sitting, Jon and Yari came and sat all between us and he laughed it off because it was funny...and it really was. We were so tight and together that when the JCC boys finally made it, they thought he was my boyfriend and just welcomed him like it was nothing. They just introduced themselves to each other, shook hands and did all that stuff. It was awesome. You'd think this has a happy ending and stuff, right? Wrong. The only flaw of the night: he lives in Chicago. THE UNIVERSE HATES ME!!! It shows me the kind of dude that I've always wanted and throws the Chicago monkey wrench into my plans. BUT...I kinda have to thank the Universe for letting me know that I'm not crazy or have high expectations and the kind of guy that I would love to meet is out there. I'm still giving up on dating, though. But, it's nice to know that it exists, yanno? But...I like that guy :( Oh well...what am I supposed to do except move on. It is what it is and that's all that it is. I hope he has a safe flight back to Chicago on Thursday. I really did enjoy the experience of last night. I kinda wanna have it again. Is it possible to get something that awesome again in a different person? Who knows and I digress. It was very nice, though. I can't wait for Yari to post the pictures.

Blog #28 - Songz, Thoughts & That O Dude

So, I'm sure as you know...I am a big ass fan of Trey Songz. I have recently discovered www.datpiff.com carries a lot, if not all, of his mixtapes. So, of course in order to download them, you have to become a member, which I did. I'm running through them to figure out which ones I want to download when I happened upon the Love King mixtape. Now, the first 3 songs on Love King are slow and romantical (yeah, I know that's not a real word) and stuff, which prompted me to write this blog sort of about me and Omar...sort of about Omar and his new chick (let's call her Mya)...but either way the topic of this one will be Omar. I don't mean to talk about him a lot, because I feel like I ramble on about him...but he was such a big portion of my life. I mean, it was 8 years, yanno. You can't forget that, even more so because it didn't end all shitty and we're still friends.

Anyway, the first song on Love King is called For the Sake of Love. I listened to this song and surprisingly, the relationship that ran through my head wasn't mine and Omar's...it was his and his new chick's relationship, based on some stuff that he told me, I think this would be a good song for him and her. It's basically about how all the shit he does is for them and blah blah blah. It's pretty funny because the other day he was telling me about how she wants him to stop doing something (the same shit I wanted him to stop doing but he's with the same "It's all I know" stuff [eyeroll]), but I'm pretty sure he told her the same thing he used to tell me: you not complaining when you get "blah blah blah or when I buy you x, y and z". So, yeah. I can see him playing this song for her while sitting there and holding her and all that nice romantical stuff (edit: I have no idea why that sounded so haterish after re-reading it, but it's totally not meant in a hater way).

The second song is called Til the Day I Die. This song is basically about how he's riding for her/them until the day he dies (clearly). Again, I thought about Omar and Mya. I could see him telling her that. Particularly because I know he likes her a lot (I think he might love her a little bit, to be honest and he's just not telling me because he might "hurt" me) and all that good stuff. Good song for them (again..re-reading this, I don't know why the hell it sounds like it's dripping with disdain and hate!).

The last song in the trio is called It Would Be You. This one is the one that makes me think of Omar and I. And to be honest, I think the only reason it does that is because one day, sometime after the break up (I think), I asked him if he could have anything in the world, what would it be. And he said "It would be you." It's a really nice song actually and it's reminiscent of discussions that he and I have had previously...and I still feel like this although I don't know if it's a little bit or a lotta bit. I feel like it's one of those songs that I would listen to repeatedly because...it just takes me back to that time. Is reminiscing a sign of depression or desperation?

Sidebar: him and Mya got into a little tiff and now that they've made up...I kinda feel like I'm losing him. Not as a lover or anything romantic...but as my friend. Since our breakup, he's become my best friend (among other things. It almost feels like nothing ever ended, to be real...lol). It could be that or that stupid ass app on his shitty ass phone. But yeah...I kinda feel like we don't talk like we used to before things became official between them. I think if it ever comes to the point where we have to stop talking...I actually think I'd be really sad. That would suck ass, actually. But there would be nothing to do but to take a big girl pill and suck that shit up and move on. But, it is what it is and it will be what it will be.

*goes to listen to another mixtape and hope it's not as mushy, even though I kinda like the mushiness*

Blog #27 - This Weekend's Festivities :)

So, I figured I'd discuss this weekend that just passed.

FRIDAY: So Friday night, I was supposed to go to the Yankee game, but due to George Steinbrenner's death on Monday, all the tickets were gone by Tuesday. Maybe it was a good thing, too, because I got to go to Dolce Lounge. Apparently, I was a smart ass with the bouncer, but according to the boys, that's not really anything new...lol. We headed to the back which is the Latin room on Friday nights and we all know Matt loves the mamis...lol. At the time, nothing was really jumping off back there, so we headed back up to the front to the hiphop room. 2nd round of drinks comes. We get the two stepping and ish started to get popping. They made me dance with some old drunk man that kept singing...it was kinda bad in a funny way, but I just two-stepped with him. Damn if I was grinding on some dude that looked like Mr. Moneybags broke cousin from Cuba. But we had SO much fun. And apparently I missed out on the highlight of the night, which was some HUGE chick falling on the floor. According to Jon, in order to get up "she didn't need momentum...she needed inertia". And he says I'M mean. Pffft. That shit took the cake. Then we headed to the Latin room and got our little salsa and bachata out of our systems. I dared Matt to dance with this other girl who was getting low for him (I think she was a friend of the girl that fell), but he quickly pulled the "you my girlfriend card" out on me and definitely pulled some shit out the bag. It would have been funny, though...lol. But on a scale of 1-10, I'll definitely give the night a 9. I have some wonderful blackmail pics of Matt because he passed out in the front seat, but I will refrain from being evil and posting them on facebook...lol.

SATURDAY: So, due to all of the excitement and fun shit that happened Friday night, and having to get up early as fuck on Sunday to head to River Vale that I wasn't doing shit on Saturday but recovering and being a bum ass. I succeeded for the most part. Mid-afternoon I got a text message from a guy I went to high school with (let's call him Edwin) asking me to go to a house party in South Brunswick or a patio party in Hillsboro with him. I said yeah, but was leery as hell about it. Here's why: based on who he hung out with in high school, we didn't run with the same type of crowd and I had a feeling that it wasn't going to be a black people house party. NOW...before I continue, let me explain that there are vast differences with black people house parties vs. non-urbanized white people house parties. Black people house parties can never be held outside on a patio due to the copious amount of noise that would be radiating from someone's radio speakers (if there isn't a DJ present) so that everyone can get their dance/grind/seduction on. There will be red cups aplenty, sweat, no lights, dancing and probably some food. NOW...knowing this and knowing who Edwin hung out with in high school, I pretty much had it pegged that this wasn't going to be a black people house party and in my gut wanted to say no. But, I said yes. Why? Quite simply...it was something to do. And I should have listened to my damn gut, lemme tell you. So, he decided that we were going to the patio party in Hillsboro...I was hoping for the house party in SB, lemme tell you. I had a slight chance of running into someone I know. In Hillsboro, that wasn't happening at all. And you wanna know what the party was like? Just like I thought it was going to be, but with less people. You know shit is bad when the only other minority girl before you arrive is a Jewish girl. I had more fun getting dressed. I was alone for a majority of the night, playing on my phone because Edwin just like...abandoned the fuck out of me and left me by myself. What kinda bullshit is that. And on TOP of that, there was underage drinking going on and weed smoking going on and the cops showed up. I swear if I would have went to jail for any of that shit I never would have talked to him again ever in life. He would have been SO cut off and deleted. He's damn near cut off now for just leaving me alone like that, knowing I don't know anyone there and knowing I felt uncomfy. Ridiculous. And he's hoping I'm in the mood for a relationship sooner rather than later. Up out my face, boy.

SUNDAY: CHAPTER BBQ DAY!!! That's all I have to say. I love those bitches. We went to Nicki's house waaaaaaaaaaay up north. I'm talking like this bitch lives 20 blocks from the NY State Line. And not NYC state line...UPSTATE NY. DUMB FAR. But, we had an absolute blast. I got to see all of my kids, although not all 4 were there at one time, which really sucked...lol.

And THAT, was my weekend. Friday and Sunday definitely made up for Saturday's fuckery. :)

Blog #26 - ??

I wanted to blog, but right now...I kinda have nothing to blog about. Things are starting to look up a little bit. Taking it one day at a time, as always. Other than that, nothing new is really going on.

That's all folks!

Blog #25 - Fighter

So, I just realized that all my life, I've been a fighter. In middle school, I was a Knight. High school turned me into a Warrior. College saw me become a Pirate and now...I'm an Amazona. So, guess what...if someone wants to do battle...I can do that shit all fucking day. I've been a fighter all my life. Minor setbacks are just child's play. Just had to get that out there.

Fuck yeah.

Blog #24 - Brotha to the Night

So, I was talking to one of my homegirls about our favorite movies and she mentioned Love Jones. I love that damn movie. One of my favorite parts is when Darius does his poem "A Blues for Nina/Brotha to the Night". It's pure smoothness and awesome. Here's the poem:

Say baby, can I be your slave?
I’ve got to admit girl, your the girl,
and I am digging you like a grave.

Now do they call you daughter to the Spinning Pulsar,
or maybe Queen of 10,000 Moons, Sister to the distant yet
rising star.

Is your Yemaya? Oh nah, it’s got to be Oshun

Ooh is that a smile me put on your face child?
Wide as a field of jasmine and clover

Talk that talk honey, walk that walk money
High on legs that’ll spite Jehovah
Shit, who am I,
It’s not important
But they call me brother to the night
and right now I am the blues in your left thigh
trying to become the funk in your right

Who am I? ‘ll be whoever you say
But right now I’m the sight raped hunter
blindly pursuing you as my prey

And I just want to give you injections of
sublime erections and get you to dance to my rhythm
make you dream archetypes
of black angels in flight
upon wings of distorted, contorted metaphoric jism

Come on slim, your man, I ain’t worried about him

It’s you who I want to step to my scene
Cause rather than deal with the fallacy
of this dry reality
I’d rather dance and romance your sweet in a wet dream

Who am I, well they all call me
brother to the night and right now I am
the blues in your left thigh, trying to be the funk in your right
Is that alright?

How do you NOT love that?! I remember when I used to get poetry from someone, but those days are long gone. Those days were nice, too...lol. I had a song written for me many moons ago, too...lol. I'll never forget that. Pedro from the Heights...I wonder what ever happened to him. I still remember that day because...it was nice...even though the song seems juvenile now, back then it was the shit...lol.

Blog #23 - BBQ, Fireworks & Boo-loving...lol

**shoots off fireworks**

Happy 4th of July, folks! I know I'm late...didn't ask you for facts and examples, damnit. So, let's talk about this weekend.

Saturday, my friends and I had a bbq in Johnson Park. I sent out a mass text and got a really surprising response back from someone. We had so much fun in the park and I must say...I looked great...lol. We tried to stay for the fireworks that were supposed to happen...but by 9:30 we were like eff it (and we got kicked out, but that's neither here nor there). Some of us went home and the rest of us went to what Mark and Donovan call "HappyLand", which is essentially nothing but a go-go bar. I convinced my girlfriend to go and the boys convinced Frank to go. On the way there, we saw fireworks on the river and they were actually really nice for the 2 minutes we could see them. Then we hit the highway and headed to HappyLand. Once at HappyLand, I gave out a few dollars. Mostly to this one chick because she was killing it on the pole and I don't support bullshit dancers. I know you not two-stepping like you're in the club and expecting me to give you my hard earned dollars. Fuck outta here, you bum bitch. I can two-step too. I gives my money to the girl working hard, doing tricks on the pole. I support hard workers. Then, I went home and for some reason, the lights were on in my house, which boggled my mind because it was after 2am. Anytime I come home after two, I know how to maneuver in the house, so seeing the lights off threw off my mental. I walked in the door to find my parents up with David and Violeta just laughing so hearty and shit...and there was MORE LIQUOR! So, I did what any good person would do...I stayed up and drank some more! :) Can't be rude to company, damnit. Around 4, I wound up going to bed.

Sunday, I woke up and there were pancakes! Woohoo! I loves pancakes and bacon. I ate and then...went back to sleep...lol. I got an invitation to go to Philly for fireworks and damn if I was gonna say no. But it was sooooooooooo hot outside!!! Holy smokes...it was really like a million degrees outside. I got to the train station in Trenton and there was this guy there and I tried to avoid him...I really did. Tried to duck that ass like the plague. I even got into a different train car from him. He found me and sat behind me. I had to lie and say I was going to see my boyfriend. Have you ever had anyone stare at you while you proceed to live your life? Yeah...that's what happened. Dude was peering at me as I ate my pizza, as I stared out the window, as I messed around with my iPod, while I reapplied my makeup...you name it, he was looking. Definitely had to play the boyfriend card. Creeper. Thankfully he got off the train before me otherwise, I woulda been in serious trouble.

Once in Philly and I met up with dude, we walked to the festival and walked around. The Roots were performing during the concert before the fireworks, which was awesome. He and I made our way to the back of the festival because, quite frankly, it was less crowded and we could talk more. We had really good conversation about a variety of topics. Because of him, I think I get that naturally seductive thing now and I think I know what the hell to stop doing, even though I don't know how because...it's just me, I guess. But at least he explained his ideology of it. We talked about relationships, the concert, food, life...mad stuff. When the convo wasn't flowing, it was nice to just sit in silence and enjoy the music and the breeze. We boo-loved through the fireworks, which was awesome. It was one of those things where you just enjoy the moment, live in the element and relish the memory. Then once, the 'works were over, I headed home.

And that...was my weekend. Pretty fantastic. Even though I've hit a rough patch right now, I have an awesome existence and awesome people in my life. <3

Blog #22 - This Weekend

So, this past weekend was a good weekend. Friday I hung out with my friends and then Saturday, I was all up in HarlemWorld with the family. Sometimes I forget what it's like to be around them. I haven't been there since my grandmother died.

My whole reason for going was because my Aunt Jeannie was being consecrated and installed as a Pastor, which is a big deal. It was one of my big events that I wanted to go to this summer. It was an awesome ceremony and now she is Pastor Aunt Jeannie. I told her I was going to call her when I needed some spiritual guidance and she laughed at me. But, I'm so serious. Anyways, I got to see a lot of family and meet some new family, like my cousin Dominique, my Uncle Eddie's daughter that I don't know. I would like to meet the rest of his kids...lol. But I DID get to see my big cousins Damon, Tamika, Kymani and Jamal. I even saw my Uncle Brotha, which was a shock, considering that we were talking about him maybe like 20 minutes before he got there. The ceremony itself was in the same church that my aunts and uncles grew up in. It wasn't the church that I went to as a kid, but...it was the same church that held the services for both my father and my grandmother. For me, it was VERY weird being there for something that wasn't a funeral...but like Damon said, it was much better to NOT be there for that. Coincidentally (and I think a little bit on purpose...lol) the ceremony was on what would have been my grandmother's birthday. It was kind of fitting.

To speak on that for a moment, it's been about 14 years and I still don't think I'm over my father dying. Just even being in the church made me cry and I can't think about my dad without shedding a few tears. What does that even mean? Am I not over it or do I just miss him that much? I feel like I got robbed of a lot of things, experiences, discussions and just being a daddy's girl.

On a completely separate chapter, yet still in the same book...something inside me went to go look for my step-sisters. I found one. I hope she accepts my friend request and that I'll find her sister. I miss being around them too. They stopped coming around when my dad died too and moved to the Bronx. I miss my little brother too. I wonder what they're all up to. I'd love to see them and spend the day with them to play catch-up and stuff...if they want to. The ball is in their court now, I guess. I hope they accept it because I still consider them family. I think I might be a little jealous, too. They got to spend a lot more time with my dad than I did (side edit: TAMIKA ACCEPTED IT!!! Woohoo!!! Now, if she would talk to me, that would be better...lol). I dunno. Maybe I'm being selfish and it's time to take a big girl pill and come to terms with it. I'll try, but I don't know how to do it because after 14 years, it's still a painful thought. Maybe because it happened suddenly. He wasn't sick, he wasn't old. I think it might be painful because...I wasn't expecting him to go. 12 years old, last time we spoke was on my birthday and it was "see you at Thanksgiving...I love you". But, I am grateful that the last thing we said to each other was "I love you". Say it all the time to those you love, please.

Blog #21 - Can We Pretend That Airplanes...

...in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now...

I love this song. I think Hayley Williams sounds awesome. I just wish she would have done a bridge to it. Then, I would be complete...lol.

Anyone that knows me knows that I can identify with this song hardbody. I know I could really use a wish right now. I'm trying to make it happen and not sabotage myself. Gotta keep hope that something is gonna come up and happen and that I won't be in this slump forever. Right? But sometimes it feels like a little help wouldn't hurt at all. All my goal is in life is to just be happy. That's all. I know happiness doesn't come easy, so I just grin and bear it.

So far, things are looking okay. I filed for unemployment and I received the first documentation on Thursday in the mail. I'm supposed to submit my first claim on Wednesday. I don't know how long it takes for an official check to be cut, though. Maybe I should submit for direct deposit, but I feel like that would take forever and 5 days...lol. And now that I filed and have a number and all that good stuff, I'm gonna call MCC about possibly going through their nursing or CJ/paralegal programs because, according to their website and if I read it right, $4000 gets paid by unemployment or they waive the fee or something along those lines. Imagine being able to do both simultaneously...lol. I'd be awesome. But, that's what I'm going for. So, that's what my goal is right now. Then, I hope things work itself out.

If we pretended that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...what would you wish for?

Blog #20 - Because Sometimes, We Just Need to Be Reminded...

Blog #19 - Natural Seductiveness

What the hell is natural seductiveness???

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine (let's call him James. Why are all my friends mentioned in my blogs male? ::kanye shrug:: anyways, I digress) and he said I am "naturally seductive". I didn't understand and he said that it's my swagger, my steelo and the way I look. I think I look average as hell and that I don't have any swagger, personally. I wanted him to elaborate more, but he currently has a girl and said he wanted to jump my bones, so I didn't think it was appropriate. I DID, however, ask Omar. Because who would know better than the person you've been with for fiddyleven years...lol. He agreed that I am naturally seductive. Omar said I don't have to do much at all and that I'm a tease. I denied that and he side-eyed me...little fuckershit. That's why I hate him. But he went on to say that it's something about me and then he wondered why I don't see it. I thought a theory could be because it's me and it's just how I am and it's a part of my personality. He agreed and also said "it could also be because you're so girly". I didn't see what the connection was and he explained. He said that most girls are so damn hood and ghetto that when an actual girl comes along and does actual girl stuff, it's like "oooh, an actual feminine girl".

This could partially be the reason that I only seem to attract men that only wanna fuck me as opposed to dating me and being in a relationship. Apparently...I just had a thought and it left me. Anyways, I wish I knew how to turn it down or turn it off, but I don't even know what about me is naturally seductive to turn it off or dumb it down, yanno? I don't think I dress too sexy, even when I'm going out. Sometimes I wear make-up, sometimes I don't. I'm not really in heels a lot, and I don't straighten my hair a lot either. I'm not a big fashionista (although I'd love to be) and I don't think I have a sexual aura around me. I'm just plain ol' down to earth me. I think I'm semi-plain, quite frankly. So, what in the hell? I wish there was some kind of test for this or something I can read about it...and how to harness it for evil doing...muahahahahaha ::rubs hand evilly:: I'm just joshing with you...lol. Well, I don't have much else to write on this topic.

Goodnight

Blog #18 - The "Photo Shoot" :)

So, yesterday, I had a "photo shoot". Not a true ass photo shoot with clothing changes and makeup artist and hairstylists, though. It was really just me and my friend who's a photographer (let's call him Carlos...lol) that wanted to take a few pics of me. All in all, I had fun! I definitely think I want to do it again.

I had to go to a big city (let's call this city Newark...lol), which was nice. It was a GORGEOUS day yesterday!!! Like, absolutely perfect. It was like 73 degrees, the sun was shining and there was a light breeze. There couldn't have been a nicer day, actually. That was my perfect day...lol. So anyways. My friend picked me up and took me to this studio. Like a legit photo studio. I'd never been in one so I was just walking around, taking it all in, and absorbing everything while he did his little set-up thingie with the flashy umbrella thingies and the lights and all that jazz. I did break into dance and contemplated a cartwheel, but decided to use my better judgment on the cartwheel. But clearly, he picked the right person for goofballness...lol.

My pics were awesome. And I took a LOT. My theme was like being in a carnival photo booth, so I went through a whole range of emotions, funny faces and goofballness. Carlos said his favorite shots where the in-between shots where I was just randomly laughing or moving or doing something extra that wasn't planned, ie - moving my head, moving my hair out of my face, drinking my soda and things like that. I think I have about 4 absolute favorite pics. I don't know what I was doing for it to happen, but there's a pic with my hair moving and in front of my face with me doing some sort of a smirk. Another one of my favs was my "bedroom eyes" pic. I think that's my fav because it just came out of the blue and it shocked Carlos...he was actually like "whoa, bedroomn eyes" and kinda fell off the stool. That was awesome...lol. The next set of pics I can't disclose because...I'm not allowed (per my order) and because they're abstract and anonymous photos. But I WILL say that it's something that I've never done before. And that will be that.

Now, no day would be complete if I didn't see at least one particular frat brother...lol. My baby dad (let's call him Ricky)!!! And no, he's not my real baby dad. I actually don't know where or when we started calling each other that, but quever. It works. The poor boy was waiting forever (I'm sorry, Ricky...lol) because I had no idea when I was going to be done, but I did get to see him. He's funny. I <3 that dude. And apparently, when we overnight anywhere together, my boobs will always be his pillows, just because he's my baby dad and I'm his baby mom. Fuckery. I told him that people were gonna start talking shit and this fool said he didn't care. So yeah. And that's that...lol.

One surprising thing about this trip was an impromptu run-in with an old friend from back in the day. Let's call him Adam. When I arrived in Newark, I did my usual FB update and he sent me a message with his number because he lives 15 minutes away. Cool. Completely wasn't expecting that, but I did shoot him a text and surprisingly, he came out to meet me at the train station. It was really really good to see him. He's been through some things - I'm definitely not gonna put his business out there, because it's his business and I wouldn't do that - but he's definitely still the same person. He even looks the same since I saw him last in 1997 before he moved. We had a good time just playing catch-up and he extended the offer for me to hang out with him in Newark. I think I will take him up on that one day. Apparently he throws killer ass house parties. I offered my bartender services because...I'm just that good with it...lol. But I can't get too wild with it because "them fools gotta go home...they can't be passed out on my couch". iHollered.

And, that was my day yesterday. I'd probably give it an 8.75 out of 10. I could have used a drink or 2...lol. But all in all - a wonderful day. :)

Blog #17 - The Different Types of Cute

This blog is inspired by my stupid as hell ex (let's call him Omar)...lol. What can I say...he adds his own little slice of humor to my life. HE, in turn, was inspired by my blog on red hair. He suggested that I go red like Tiny, from Tiny & Toya. O suggested this color because, while she's not as pale as me, she is very lightskinned. Then we ran into the new topic, which inspired this blog...lol. I hate him. These are all his opinions and I think they're hilarious, so I wanted to share...lol.

Hood Cute: according to my O, chicks that are hood cute kinda don't have a lot going for them face-wise, but they're always put together outfit-wise, so that gives them the ability to be cute. Hood cute chicks have some sort of big body part (ass, boobs or both) so guys aren't looking at their face, but again...she's put together, so she's cute.

Funny Cute: funny cute chicks are the chicks that have a feature that just don't match their face. He used Natalie Nunn from Bad Girls. She's got this MONSTER ASS Jay Leno chin. I've seen the show, I can attest to this. She has a Leno chin. He said "she's not ugly, but she's not cute".

"Big Girl" Cute: I've heard people say "she's cute for a big girl". I guess for example it would be...Jennifer Hudson, pre-weight-loss. I personally always thought she was pretty pre-or-post weightloss. But that's just me. He was a mean ass and said "they're cute from the first chin up".

"If Only" Cute: this cute would normally be a standard cute...if only there wasn't something wrong. Por ejemplo, he said "she would be cute if only she didn't open her mouth and show me the 3 gold teeth in her mouth".

And you wonder why I hate him...lol.

Blog #16 - Red Hair & the Identification Problems with It...

I'm forewarning you that this will probably turn into a vent on ethnicity, personal frustrations (like it's not already...lol) or just a plain ass vent.

So, I want to change my hair color. I want to go red. But...here's my issue with that. I try to look for color idea online. So, I go to the ever-faithful Google and type in "red hair colors for black women". On damn near each and every website that I go to, it says that you have to find your "color tone" to "compliment your complexion. Here's where I have a problem. The color tones are mostly grouped as follows:

You're likely a "warm" if you have golden, olive or dark skin and brown or dark eyes (most Latinas, Asians and African Americans fall into this category). "Warm" women tan easily and the veins in their inner wrists are green.

You're a "cool" if you have fair skin and blue or green eyes, you burn before you tan and the veins in your wrists run blue. If you're confused because you sometimes burn, sometimes tan, you likely skew warm.

If you know me, then you know that 1 - I am a Latina/African American mix with dark brown eyes and hair and; 2 - I'm pale as hell, burn before I tan (IF I tan, but that's a horse of a different color...clever. Score 1 for me...lol) and the veins in my wrist are blue for the most part. Sometimes they look green. SO...the question begs: am I a warm or am I a cool? HAAAAAALP!

I've also heard stories that it also depends on what colors you look good in. If that's the case, then I'm REALLY fucked because I look good in every color. Not even being cocky. Purple, green, pink, yellow, black, orange, burnt orange, turquoise, fuchsia...any color you can think of, I look awesome in.

Anyways...so my search for the perfect red hair color is on. Websites told me that I should go see a makeup artist or an aesthetician to determine my perfect color. What good does that do me when my bff/makeup artist lives in Florida and my aesthetician cousin has a baby? NONE!!! And I can't look at celebrity pictures, because damn near everyone with red hair does not look like me. I have yet to see one pale person with dark brown damn-near-black hair and dark brown eyes go from dark brown to red. Not a 1. Where are all the people that look like me with red hair? I've tried "red hair colors for black women", "red hair colors for pale skin and dark hair", "red hair colors for latinas". Nothing.

I digress. Let's hit publish post.

Blog #15 - Babies Having Babies...

Before I get started, let me say that I am in NO way bashing the single parent home. I come from one. I just have a few questions on the HUGE BOOST of single parent homes...mostly due to babies having babies. WTF, bro. I know somewhere there's some chick that's 19 with 2 kids. Why? I have to finish this later...lol.

Blog #14 - New Jersey...

So, you might not know that I was born in NY but live in New Jersey. I somehow wound up on urbandictionary.com when I was googling something and for shits and giggles, decided to urbandictionary New Jersey. This definition here, is the best one I've ever read. Please note that I did not write ANY OF THIS:
____________________________________________________________________
i'm from jersey, have been all my life.

i'm gonna spend a lot of time writing this entry. i'll give you everything about jersey, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

first.. new jersey people are conceited. it's true. we hate everyone else. and we think we are better than everyone else. and we never stop talking about how great new jersey is. then we tell people to "shut the fuck up" when they tell us all we talk about is jersey. i just recently was in the south .. and i can honestly say, that i do think i am better than them. it's not my fault.. it's cause i'm from jersey. my friends and i were the rudest, most obnoxious people there. everyone just stared at us. then we saw other rude people, and i asked them where they were from. obviously, they said jersey.

why are new jersey people self centered? because we have reason to be. first of all, some of the most famous people have come from our state. just to name A FEW.. tom cruise, frank sinatra, bruce springsteen, kevin smith, whitney houston, martha stewart, lauryn hill, catch 22, anne hathaway, queen latifa, my chemical romance, jack nicholson, bruce willis, the four seasons, danny devito .. and the list goes on. not only do we have famous people.. we rank in the top 10 of smartest states every year.

not only are we smart and famous.. we're rich. bergen, somerset, morris, and hunterdon counties rank as in the counties top 15 richest counties. and despite the slums of newark and camden which are some of the countries most dangerous places to live, we have 4 of the top 10 safest cities to live in the us.

and we smell? yeah, we do. new jersey smells like ASS. on the turnpike, between exits 14 and 17. that's like, 5 percent of the entire state.. bayonne, port newark, and secaucus. and the surrounding areas. that's it. the majority of the state smells like trees. because the majority of the state is trees. in fact, three of new jersey's cities rank in the countries top 10 least polluted cities. so shove it.

new jersey is ideal. i live 20 minutes away from new york city and an hour away from the famous jersey shore, (the shore is amazing. you think your beach is better? fuck you. why do you think mtv's true life had an episode titled "i'm a jersey shore girl." because it's the best fucking shore in the country.), and two hours away from philadelphia. and it's a 4 hour drive to washington dc. and 15 minutes to the nearest mall -- 20 minutes to the next, and a half hour to the next. i just counted .. 7 malls within a half hour of my house. find me another state that has all that to offer.

yeah, we have accents. who gives a shit? everyone has an accent. and no, we don't say "joisey." we do say "cawfee and tawk." but i can tell you it's a hell of a better accent than you bitches from the south.

and we can't drive? no. you can't drive. like i said before, i was just in the south. the speed limit sign read: speed limit 60.. minimum 45. what? that's why you people can't drive. who has a minimum speed limit? new jersey drivers like pissing other people off solely because of the reputation. this is what we will do.. just letting you know .. if we see out of state license plates, we'll tailgate your ass. probably because you're doing the speed limit and we want to go 20 over. then, we'll cut you off.. and go slow in front of you. because we can. and because when you go home you're gonna complain about us. we like it, it doesn't bother us. that's what we want.

we like fast things. things move too slow in other states. you can tell that someone's from new jersey by the way they walk. they walk really fast and have a strut that says "i'm better than you."

music scene? amazing. bloomfield ave cafe .. starlight ballroom .. enough said. we have the best local bands, the best punk scene, and probably 97 percent of the country's emo kids. don't believe me? read "nothing feels good. punk rock, teenagers, and emo." count how many jersey references are in that book. and the rap scene? i don't know much about it .. but i know it's there. and i know it's good.

and obviously the club scene. you don't know techno music until you come into new jersey.. SERIOUSLY. "we don't pump our gas .. we pump our fists." just shut the fuck up until you go to seaside boardwalk. you'll probably see some of the trashiest, dirtiest, skankiest girls.. and some of the most guido, gelled up hair, armani exchange wearing boys that take too many steroids and have have too much sex .. but they know how to dance better than anyone you ever met in your life. so yeah, the stereotype that all jersey chicks are trashy, is true .. if you go to seaside. that's pretty much it. the rest of the state is full of confident, beautiful girls that speak their mind. and the guys outside of seaside are pretty decent too.

majority of jersey people are italian.. or wish they were .. and drink too much beer and smoke too much pot. but, we all love eachother. i was at a party the other day and i met these guys that were best friends .. a scene kid, an abercrombie wearing kid, and a ghetto kid. why? because we don't give a fuck about labels. we throw the sickest parties .. in the woods.

what else? giants, jets, nets, and of course the devils. they're better than you. so shut the fuck up. and we have more yankee fans than new york city. come to jersey with a sox hat on .. i dare you.

hungry? don't worry. we have 24 hour diners. a million of them. we also have hoboken which has some of the finest places to eat. and you have not had real italian food until you come here. okay? shut up.

and oh yeah, we say "yo." often. and "fuck." i don't complain that you say "y'all" so don't complain that i say "yo."

to sum up new jersey. yeah, most of the stereotypes are true, probably for about 5 percent of the state. the rest of the state is beautiful. and yeah, we hate you. we love ourselves. wanna know why? because all you bitches hate us. how would you feel if the other 49 states spent all their time talking shit? we deserve to be our own country cause we're that cool.

Blog #13 - Current Songs on Rotation

So, I put some new songs on my iPod (which is cleverly named Music of the Soul...lol) and I thought I'd share them with you along with the chorus. Songs really can speak for you. For some reason, I don't know why all of these songs deal with heartbreak and pain and shit like that, but whatever...that's beside the point. Besides...I didn't ask you for your facts and examples, anyways.

Maxwell - Fistful of Tears
I go insane/Crazy sometimes/Trying to keep you from losing your mind/Open your eyes/See what's in front of your face/Save me my fistful of tears

Why I love it: It's Maxwell. End of story. No, really. End of story.

Novel - Fuck with My Mind
You're just so beautiful it makes me cry/You always get your way girl, every time/It breaks my heart we had to say goodbye/I just can't let you fuck with my mind/My tears are bullets and my eyes are loaded guns/I never thought I'd be the one to run from love/I just can't lose when it all comes push to shove/I just can't let you fuck with my mind

Why I love it: It's basically a song about how this chick is mind-gaming him and how he loves her, but he's not falling for the bullshit. I know we've all been there before. I love his voice, too. He's not really a new artist; he had a sound out a few years ago about being able to eat a peach for hours (clearly we all know what he's referring to...lol). His voice fits the melody of the song and I just loves it.

RydazNRtists - Sorry Ass Apology
This is my sorry ass apology/I took your love for granted/So selfish, just doing me/Now I feel like uh oh/Now you feel like oh, oh oh/This is my sorry ass apology

Why I love it: The song is about how he knows he ain't shit for cheating and lying and being sloppy and shit. Even though they know they aren't shit, it's an apology for being a sorry sonofabitch...lol. Not that I condone cheating or anything, but I mean...hell, at least they're trying to apologize. If one of them were my man, would I accept it...maybe. Would I get back with him...nah, son. But the ideology of it is nice. And it's not even a forgive me and take me back joint. It's like, look...I know I fucked up big...here's my apology and if you accept it, okay...if not...I have to live with it because I fucked up. And really...how many men apologize for fucking shit up? Lol

Tracie Spencer - Tender Kisses (chorus and breakdown)
Tender kisses/Blown away/Tender kisses/Gone tomorrow, gone today/Tender kisses/Bye, baby/Bye, baby//I wonder if you ever loved me/Tell me, was I so blind that I could not see/Holding on to the memory/Of the way you used to kiss me/All I ever wanted was someone to call my own/I'll never know/You'll never know/We'll never know/All those tender kisses blown away/Bye baby bye

Why I love it: This isn't a NEW song by any stretch of the imagination, but it's new on my iPod, therefore it counts. It's basically a goodbye song. And who hasn't had to break up with someone before...lol

Wale ft. Lady Gaga - Chillin (chorus and breakdown)
Looking at/Looking at/Looking at me/Look at that/Look at how they're looking at me/Eyes all sticky like honey on bees/Look at that/Look at how they're looking at me//Get 'em all/Get 'em all/Pack it all up/Stack up your funds like a million bucks/Across the pond, they all know us/International, ohh/Driving my car to a foreign place/Looking at me/Now they know my face/We want it all now/We got it all, yup/Look at that/Look at how they're looking at us

Why I love it: It's a cocky ass song! Who doesn't love cocky shit?! Like, really...look at them looking at me. They can't keep their eyes off me. AND I'm international, so suck it! *pops collar*

Wale ft. Marsha Ambrosius (aka the Songstress from Floetry)
I wonder why I sit and cry/Wish I could shed all of these tears/I'm down and out/I'll keep it moving and trying to get out/I don't know to move on/Where I went wrong/Wish I could live with no fears/So down and out/I'll keep it moving and trying to get out/Somehow...

Why I love it: Wale is just a beast. The spoken word at the end of the song just hit me like a ton of bricks the first time I heard it. I never really paid attention to Wale before I saw this video, but it was one of those things that just made me stop and sit on the bed and really digest what he was talking about. He speaks the truth, which is kind of sad that this is the state of relationships (but that's another blog for another day...or maybe THIS day)

And those are my new songs on my iPod. My iPod makes me smile :)

Blog #12 - I Go Insane, Crazy Sometimes...

...trying to keep you from losing your mind. Open your eyes, see what's in front of your face. Save me my fistful of tears...

The things we do when we love someone...lol. We become so selfless in seeing the other person happy that we forget about our own happiness...even if their happiness comes at the expense of our own feelings or happiness. But sometimes, that's what you have to do. Being selfish never helped anyone in the long run. But wouldn't it be nice if it did? I wish I could put my feelings before someone else's. I'm not wired like that, though. They say it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I guess they're right...whoever the proverbial "they" are. ::kanye shrug:: C'est la vie. I have to start looking out for me emotionally. Oh well. I just felt like I had to get that out at 4:20am. Maybe I'll expand on it at a later date.

Blog #11 - I Ain't Saying She's A Gold-digga...

...but she ain't fucking with a broke n*gga.

So, I'm sure some of you know, but if you don't...I am "in between stages" aka I'm not working. In between stages just sounds a lot nicer and less depressing. Who knew?

At any rate, onto today's story. There's this guy that lives in another state (let's call this state Illinois* and let's call him Mike*). Mike has been crushing on me since about 2005, but as you all know, I don't do the LDRs. Just not me; no thank you. Not only is Mike far as hell away...but, I...just don't find myself attracted to Mike. It's not that Mike is a bad guy...because I think he's a nice dude and I like him as a friend. But I'm not attracted to him as a potential mate and I feel horrible, because he's always asking if I'm single and telling me all of the things he would do for me. His newest thing today was asking if there would be a shot if he moved to Jersey. I said no because of everything that's going on and I need to focus on me and get myself back on my feet. Then he went on this little spiel about if I believe in Satan because men were put on this earth to provide for women and yadda yadda yadda. Now, seeing as how I'm not attracted to him in a romantic way, if I would have said yes, wouldn't that have made me a gold-digger? Yes? Because I think it would have. And then I would be no different from the chicks in Illinois that he's always bitching about. My other question is: if I WAS attracted to him romantically, if I would have said yes, would THAT make me a gold-digger as well? Or is that different because there's an attraction? Is gold-digging based soley on the level of attraction that is between both parties or is it a universal thing and no matter what the attraction, gold-digging is gold-digging?

On another/bigger note: are we as women, that have been raised by single mothers being nurtured/brainwashed into the headstrong, "I can do bad by myself", Miss Independent, feminist by choice or by force? Is it even brainwashing or are we being prepared and groomed to potentially have to face the world alone, without our male counterpart? Do we even "need" this male counterpart? Does this "Miss Independent" attitude we have help us or hurt us in the long run? Are men and romantic relationships a necessity or an asset? Should women always be subservient to a man, as is in the Bible, or did that work then and Miss Independent works now? I have so many questions on what to expect and what to do because I'm so torn. I would love for a man to be the head of household but in the same token, I don't want to be a housewife or Susie Homemaker. I just don't feel like that's me. But how do I know - I've never had the opportunity to be Susie Homemaker. What if I get the opportunity and love it? Will that go against everything that I've known that women are strong and independent or will I change my view to "this works for me, do what works for you"?

To keep going with the topic but from a different aspect - are men to blame for the general shift from family and the man being the head of household to single mom being head of household and being forced into the role of Ms "I-Can-Do-Bad-By-Myself"? I know it takes two to tango and make a baby...but with a large shift going from men turning women into wives/mothers to turning women into baby mamas have to do with the shift of being bad by myself? Or are women to blame for giving up the ass before he "put a ring on it" and essentially putting themselves in this situation to become a baby mama instead of a bride? Even more confusing...if she IS groomed to be a future Susie Homemaker, does wait until he put a ring on it and she did wait until marriage to become a mommy and she becomes Susie Homemaker (which is what her mother prepared her for) - no outside job - just cooking, cleaning, children, tending to the affairs of the house, etc. and he leaves her...what is she to do then? I know she goes out and gets a job - essentially forcing her to become "Ms Independent". Do you think this would have an effect on her mentality: will she become one with the newly Ms Independent or will she always crave to be Susie Homemaker?

My brain is starting to hurt...lol. Goodnight!!!

Blog #10 - Random Ramblings, part 3...damn I ramble a lot!

So, today I got a stupid ass ticket for having my RiverLINE ticket stamped twice. Who knew that was against the damn law? Like wtf, son. The RiverLINE is stupid and I hate it. I hope they have some sort of notification that gives them some sort of alert when someone posts their name and they see this. Stinking $74 ticket. I hate them. For those that don't know...the RiverLINE is a NJ Transit train line that runs from Trenton to Camden. You have to buy a ticket and get it validated by the machine and the damn thing is only valid for 2 hours while hoping that the train people come and take your ticket, giving you a reason to buy another one. Now, if the stupid train people don't come take your ticket, you would think that you could just validate it again, right? WRONG!!! Stupid RiverLINE makes you buy another one because apparently it's illegal to stamp one ticket more than one time. I rode this damn train all week and not ONCE saw the train people until today...my last day for the week. WTF. It would be me, right? Of course it would. Wouldn't be my life if it wasn't...lol. Sometimes, you have to laugh to keep from crying.

So, I just saw a commercial for a new Freddie Kreuger film. Really? How many times are we going to do remakes or sequels? How many more times can Freddie kill someone in their sleep before we decide we're over it? Oh well. I won't be paying to see that crap. There's like 7 other movies before this new one. Speaking of movies...am I the only one that can't wait to buy Avatar on DVD?! It came out on Earth Day (figures, but an excellent marketing strategy...lol). That movie, is sheer awesomeness, even though the storyline has been done fiddyleven times before. Sheer awesomeness. Pandora was beautiful...but not so beautiful that I would kill myself like I read about folks doing. That was just sheer madness.

So, I haven't told a lot of people, but I semi-got-laid-off. I guess that's why I got emotional with that ticket thing from the first paragraph. I've never not had $74 before. I've had to make some decisions that I haven't had to make before...it's rough. I've been trying to keep a smile on my face for the world outside, but inside, I feel like I'm slowly dying. But, to give up would be a losing move, so I have to keep on trucking, I guess. ::kanye shrug:: It's amazing how when you're down...no one can help you, but when someone needs help, I'm always like the first there. Oh well again...lol. No use crying over some spilled milk, yanno?

Well, I was talking to my ex (because now we're bffs and shit) about my damn struggle with getting a guy that isn't a horny nutcase attracted to me. I always get the horny jokers. The other day, I had this guy who is really into church and everything tell me that he thinks I'm tempting and that he would sleep with me. Then he followed it up with "I would marry you". Really? That's what's hot in the streets? We have a conversation about your job, you stare at me for a little bit and that's what comes out of your mouth? Word? Oh, okay. Then I got a phone call from another dude who said he wanted to see me because he wants to "lick all over your body. I'm even thinking your toes". Really? You felt the need to tell me that? That's what's hot in the streets now? Got it. iQuit.

What else can I ramble on while I'm awake? Oh yeah. So, I decided that I want a spacebag system. I have a whole bunch of stuff I need to minimize and I don't really have a lot of closet space. That would save me dumb space. Like wordisms. I could shrink all my sweaters and all the pajama stuff I don't really wear (even though I probably COULD throw it out...but that makes too much sense because what if I want it later...lol). I'm excited for it, actually. How big of a geek am I for THAT one? HUGE. I'm a grande geek. It tickles my fancy. I'll have so much drawer and closet space available soon. Not that I can buy anything to fill up the space ::side eye:: This broke shit is for the birds!!! I'm gonna go get a damn part-time job somewhere. Either that or become a damn gigolo. I hear they make bank. I would need some hoes, though. I'll be like the chick in Hung on HBO...or is it Shotime. Oh well, either way you know wtf show I'm talking about and that's all that matters. That's all that matters...lol.

G'day to you!

Blog #9 - Are you there, God...it's me, Twinki...

So, with everything going on, I have the undeniable urge to have a talk with God. For those that don't know, my talks with God are rather "different" from most, from what I hear. I literally sit and just talk. And talk. And talk some more. My line sister had the pleasure of being on the phone with me when I had the need to have a talk with Him and she laughed at my approach. Not the message...just the approach. I know that God is an omnipotent being and that he is everywhere...so I figure He has to be on the innernets too. Maybe He has an alert set up for when someone posts His name, he gets a message on a cloud and He looks. That would be awesome. God, I'm still going to have a wrap session with you once I'm done with the innernet version. Here goes:

Hi God, it's me again. I just wanted to talk to You about a few things...get a wrap session going. I'm probably all discombobulated and will run off at the mouth on a tangent, but You already know that. I know that You've heard me say that April is not my month, but I know that You work in mysterious ways. I wanted to thank You for all of the moving and shaking You did to help Stephanie and I out...I humbly accept Your Gracious gifts in Your name. I gave my friend the news You gave to Stephanie about the move and he said that "good things happen to good people"...I haven't been feeling very good. I've just been so bogged down and worried and emotional and sad and I don't know where it's coming from because I know that through You all things are possible...but still, yanno? I hope you do, because I don't. I'd like to thank You for all that You have done and given me. I thought blogging would work, but I don't feel like this is coming out right, so I'll redo it live and in person before I go to bed.

But before I go...I know that You had to take Mike and Nia because you needed them; could You send them a message that they are dearly missed and that they are loved very much. And can You tell my father, Grandma, Papa, Granny and all of my friends that I said hi? Thank you.

Amen.

Blog #8 - Angel Standing By...

I haven't blogged in a minute and while I had a happy go lucky update, I woke up to some sad news and have decided to dedicate this post to the memory of Mike, one of my favorite brothers of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. at the Iota "Death" Rho Chapter.

I met Mike at a Meet the Greeks, probably in Fall 2003...maybe even before...but definitely at least Fall 2003. One of the sweetest guys I've met. I wish I had my old camera because I know I had some pics of him on there with Lucky and Mike the Remix. Mike eventually became my "chapter Alphas" due to the revival at Seton Hall and even though there were brothers at SHU, he was always still around. My heart is saddened at the news and the loss of not just a fellow Greek, but a compadre.

To the brothers of Iota Rho - I know that no words will soothe the pain that you feel, but please know that my heart goes out to you in your time of need. Please know that Mike is now an angel, looking upon you all with pride and joy.

I dedicate this song to Mike, Nia and Iota Rho.