So...this goes back to that paragraph about Luis from yesterday/this morning. So, after trivial conversation (again...I'm pretty sure we have a 4 bbm maximum now), I hit him with "I think we're drifting apart" message and he hits me with "I been feeling it for awhile but I blame myself for that", to which I ask why. I think that's a reasonable question. Apparently it's something he does while "attempting a long distance relationship"...but I'm only 2 hours away and I was making the effort. At any rate, the end result is that we're now back to being "non-kissing friends". And I'm pissed about it. I pretty much wasted time, gas, tolls, stupid ass sap tweets/bbms and more importantly, more time trying to take something to the next level on someone who knew that it wasn't gonna work on his end. Wasted energy on my part. I hate it.
Now I feel myself getting more irritated because there I was at some party he invited me to so I could hang with his friends, and all that other stuff and sitting there boo-loving with someone who knew it wasn't gonna work. I think that's why I'm so irritated...because he knew his track record and 1) didn't tell me and 2) didn't tell me so I wouldn't put so much into it. I wouldn't have wasted my time driving to CT and be willing enough to drive the 2 hours back home that same day. The more I think about it, the more I feel blinding rage and fury as opposed to hurt. I'm pretty sure if I was a cartoon character right now, there would be an epic transformation right now.
I feel the rage of Gaianyx taking over ala Jean Gray vs. The Phoenix. As a Libra, we have two sides...one side is our best/most frequent side, when we're happy and everything is magical clouds, unicorns, rainbows and love. But then again...as the scales of balance...as one side is happy...there is a darker, more evil side to us. My evil/ruthless side just happens to have a name - GAIANYX. Gaia is the goddess of the earth and Nyx is the goddess of the night - Gaianyx = goddess of the dark earth. I feel the need to transform myself. Maybe I should thank Luis for this. Maybe...just maybe...he pushed me over the edge to do what I want to do. Again...I feel like an epic transformation is in order or...is already happening inside and I need to bring it outward. Maybe I need to follow the dark rules of survival:
1 - You can't hurt when you're driven by rage/pain (yeah, I borrowed this from my frat brother).
2 - Look out for self.
3 - Never let the wall down.
We shall see how this turns out over the course of the next few days/weeks. I shall be cleaning out my contact list in a few minutes. Let's see where this rage takes me.
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