Blog #46 - Dearest Jari...

So, as you all know, my line brother passed away on March 7 (last Monday). The wake was Wednesday and Thursday and the funeral was Friday. It took me the day to write this because I couldn't formulate my thoughts so soon and I drank away the pain last night when I got home. I couldn't make it to the wake because of another wake I had to go to, but I was able to make it to the funeral on Friday. It was a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. It was honestly and easily the 3rd hardest funeral I have been to - the first being my father's and the second being my grandmother's. Thankfully, I was not alone and I had the support of my sorority sisters and fraternity brothers - especially my line brothers - as we buried one of our own. That is a heartbreaking thing to do. I know the pain that I was feeling, so I can only imagine the pain of his family. My deepest and sincere condolences go out to the Negron family in their time of sorrow. I write this letter to my line brother, with full love, affection and filled with memories, and yet and still, with tears of pain.

Dear Jari,

DMX said it perfectly when he said "I have trouble accepting the fact that you're gone, so I won't. It will be like we went for a while without seeing each other. But I can understand why God would have wanted you with him because you really were an angel on Earth. And in my own special way, I love you and I miss you" (you know how I feel about this was the downfall of DMX, but that is a different blog/letter lol). Even though I was present at your funeral and burial yesterday to "close the chapter" and sort of make things official with a "see you later", it all seemed surreal and like a bad dream because all I can think about is how much I miss you and all of the good times that we had from Spring 2003 and beyond and all of the conversations that we had - especially about you coming home and all of the good times that were going to be had then. I never envisioned that you would come home this way, but...at least you're home, I guess. It has been an emotional roller coaster, but I guess the ride is over and it's all time we got off. I wasn't able to make it to the wake, but from what I hear, I should be glad because you didn't look like you and I want to remember you the way that you are - happy and smiling. The Joker. I know that everyone says that you're "in a better place now", but I can't help but feel angry because it feels like I was robbed. You were just taken from us in the dead of night without rhyme or reason and we still don't know why or how. I know that's selfish of me, but it's only because I miss you terribly. Every now and then since last Monday, I scroll through my phone book or look at my aim list and I see your name/screen name and I can't bring myself to delete them because even though I went yesterday, part of me still feels like you're going to call or IM me and say "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS", like you always did, which would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be followed by an "LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB" because we're goof troop like that. I cherish each and every conversation that we've ever had in all 8 years that you've been in my life and while it definitely saddens me that I can no longer hold you in the physical realm, something tells me you will hold me in the spiritual realm and be a guide...just like my father, grandmother, grandfather and aunt. It warms my heart to know that you are loved by so many people and we will take these memories with us in our hearts. I can't help but think of the last chorus in the P!nk song "Who Knew" and remix it for myself...which seems like the perfect way to end this letter to you: If someone said 8 years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong. But that last convo, I'll cherish until we meet again. And time makes it harder. I wish I could remember. But I'll keep your memory. You visit me in my sleep. My LB...who knew.

I will keep your memory alive and cherish you always, line brother. I love you and I miss you. Sleep in heavenly peace, Jari.