Blog #53 - Inner Self & Updates

Sunday: So, I was on Twitter today and I follow @EverythingLibra because I'm obviously a Libra. One of the tweets that the posted today was about listening to the inner self to gain inner peace. I don't think I do that too much. I don't think my inner self and I have been on the same page. Maybe it's time that I started. But that might lead to situations I don't want to be in occasionally. Right now, my inner self is telling me to not even bother texting J anymore - currently at war with my like for him on this. I wanna just not text him anymore because I'm always putting in the first text but I know that he's busy with work and all of his other things so it almost feels like I have to if I want to remain in contact with him. It's like a double-edged sword. I think I might start listening to my inner self from now on. Maybe I'll gain a little inner peace. Not that I'm that tormented. Just having internal battles with myself. Battles that aren't being won by anyone at this current moment. LOL

Monday: So after blogging what I did yesterday and saving it, I had a conversation with a friend of mine today about what I was feeling and she pretty much told me essentially the same shit my inner self was telling me - back off. Then I got home today and was reading an article that was something about being thirsty and #6 was something like "if the ratio of him contacting you first vs you contacting him first is leaning heavy towards you doing all of the work". In looking at our last 5 convos, guess who started them all? THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!! And it sucks. I have an ex from like 98, 99 that I'm still good friends with and every so often (the last time being 7/16), he'll hit me with "morning beautiful" or "hey pretty" or "just woke up and thought of you, so I wanted to say hey" and my head is like "AKSDFAHSDFK, why can't J do this?" I've already made it up in my mind that come September, I won't be getting on a plane. I'm a little sad about it, but I refuse to get on a plane to see someone that doesn't at least initiate conversation. Say hi or something. But yeah. I'm just gonna let it go and it is what it is. Better to find it out now rather than later. And I'm okay with it. Do I want it to change, sure. Will I force it, no.

Blog #52 - The InStyler

So, after getting my hair cut about a week ago, I wanted to get something that would give my hair some volume and make it easier to curl. I can't ponytail my hair anymore ::sadface:: I've always contemplated about the InStyler...but I never wanted to pay $100 for it. On like Wednesday or Thursday, I bought this rotating blowdryer by Conair (I think) from Walgreens for $60 to see if it could do what I wanted it to do while also being budget as hell. Tried it...and FAIL. Massively complicated and all that jazz. The blowdryer rotates two ways and you never know which button is which and it's just a big ol' mess and a half. Full of no buenage. BUT (and this is why I love the ish out of Walgreens) Walgreens will take anything you don't like back - even after you use it. Shout out to them for that! I got my money back today, hopped my butt to Target and coughed up $100 for the InStyler. I watched the little video that came with it to see if there way anything that I didn't know how to do from the infomercial - not so much. So then I got down to bidnass.

I flatironed my hair last night in preparation for going out (and not in prep for using the InStyler because I actually decided to buy it today) and at the end of the night, my hair was looking totally disrespectful and ratchet as hayul. Just crazy looking. It even looked crazy after I tried to wrap it last night when I got in. RATCHET. I already had some product in it from earlier in the week so when I used the InStyler today, I didn't put anything in my hair. I treated it like it was a flat iron and worked my way from the bottom of my head to the top, overextending when I got to the crown of my head to build volume. I didn't get as much volume as I would have liked, but I think that's because the product from earlier in the week hasn't come all the way out of my hair so it looks like my hair is a little heavy, but that's my own damn fault. I'll just put some baby powder in it to suck up the oil later (maybe I'll put the powder in and then wrap my hurr). As a whole, though...I'm very pleased with this purchase!

My ONLY 2 qualms with it are (and one of them is just my own issue): when using a flat iron, I have a habit of holding the edge to make sure it's curling properly. You don't have to with the InStyler and even if you did, you would burn the BEJESUS out of your fingers because there is no buffer edge so you would literally be touching the actual rotating iron - which gets HOT. I like my fingers just the way they are. No need to burn them off lol. The other issue I have with it is sometimes (and only sometimes - this is NOT an often occurence) when using it on the front part of my hair, it looked like my hair was fried and didn't feel all that great and it almost looked like the InStyler was kicking my hair back into a teased look. How to fix this - use your other hand. I promise you, it's that easy. And if you want to smooth your edges before you put your hair in the InStyler (which I need to do because I haven't put a chemical straightener in my hair since like November) all you have to do is just run the barrel along your roots and you're good! So yeah. Love it and I would recommend it!

Blog #51 - Turn Back the Hands of Time...

Really random just now - I was blogging about love and what have you a few days ago...and my puppy love from high school hit me on Facebook (I'm telling you, it's the devil lol). We're friends or whatever so it wasn't that big a deal. I just thought it was hilarious because he popped into my head the other day because I found "our child". Before you start calling DYFS, lemme explain lol. Back when we were all in luh and stuff, we went to Build-A-Bear and built a son. A pale ass bear with blue eyes and glasses. Named him and did all that kooky stuff they make you do when building the bear. Dressed him in some jeans and timbs too. I giggle thinking about the memory. Anyways, I found the bear. He was nekkid - I don't know why, but he was. So, that's what I meant when I said I found our son lol. Anyways, we're playing catch-up and all that good stuff and it got me to thinking...if I could turn back the hands of time, with at least a little bit of the knowledge I have now - would I have dated him or anyone I dated from middle school until 2010? Probably not. I might have saved myself a WHOLE lot of damn drama lol.

But that's about it. There was more but I was writing this a few days ago so I pretty much forgot what I was going to say. Probably nothing but that it was random as hayul to me.

Blog #50 - How to Love but 1+1...

So, I'm not the biggest Lil Wayne fan at ALL. My liking of Lil Wayne goes to songs where I think it could have been better without him (IE - Kelly Rowland's Motivation, Mike Posner's Bow Chicka Wow Wow), songs of his that have features that I like (IE - Shooter f. Robin Thicke. Robin Thicke was my whole reason for even liking the song in all honesty) or songs where the beat is pretty hot (IE - A Milli. I won't deny that the beat is pretty fly). I was at work on Friday and I heard this autotuned ass voice singing this song called "How to Love". Now, I was busy as shit on Friday, but one part of the song drew me to slow down and pay attention to it, which was "Never really had luck couldn’t never figure out How to Love (how to love)/You had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever/Now you in a corner trying to put it together - How to Love". What I got from the lyrics was a girl trying to mend her broken heart over failed relationships and really trying to put her heart together. I would actually have to say that this MIGHT be one of my favorite songs by Lil Wayne on his own (even if he CAN'T sing at all). But, I'm able to identify with this song which is why I probably like it. I've had some pretty shitty relationships that have ended with me being broken and battered emotionally (or maybe physically during the course of the relationship) and after each time, I had to figure out how to love and at what point did it go south. And like Lil Wayne said, I spent a lot of time sitting in the corner looking at my thoughts and looking over my shoulder, trying to figure out what happened, where to go and what to do next.

I guess the question I pose to myself is - after each failed relationship, should I have loved differently? Should I have given less of myself to the next one because of the last one? If so, wouldn't that be holding on to baggage and aren't I against bringing baggage from old relationships into new ones? If one puts their guard up going into the next relationship, wouldn't that be bringing baggage? Maybe guards are different than baggage and you can go into a new relationship with a guard up but devoid of baggage? Does that even make sense? I don't think it does, but what do I know. I'm just sitting in the corner looking at my thoughts and looking over my shoulder for the next one trying to steal my heart.

In the same token, Beyonce has a song called 1+1. While I'm not a Beyonce stan (I have my moments where I like her and where I don't) 1+1 is essentially and could be the quintessential love song. It's basically about how a girl and her man don't need shit else because all they need is each other. Beautiful beautiful message...love it.

How does one go from figuring out how to love to 1+1. Does it take the one person who's trying to figure out how to love or both parties in the relationship. Should one figure out how to love prior to entering the relationship or figure it out along the way? MAYBE....the journey is to be started alone, but end with 2. Who knows lol. I'm clearly not a master of love lol. I'm not even a master of like at this point. But love would be nice at some point.

I think I need to hit the mutual 'like' stage first and with the way things are going, I'm not sure if I'll ever get there with the new guy I like. Maybe he's just busy and focused on his career. Not too sure if I should back off and let him do his thing (I probably will). I hate to think I'm being a pain in the ass with my texting - I just wanna make sure he's okay and stuff. I know he's going on a career change and that can be a little daunting. *positive vibes his way*

Ummm...I think that's it right now. :)

Blog #49 - She Ain't You...

So, this blog stems from a text I got the other day from Omar...but it wasn't Omar. It was his newest baby mama - you know her. I've talked about her...nothing bad. Just about their situation maybe and stuff. Maybe I forgot to include that she is the mother of his newest daughter, so shoutout to him for that. All the message said was "You should tell Omar to change his password". I read it and then brought it up to him the next day and I guess he put two and two together and realized what happened. She apparently went through his phone and was sending all sorts of messages to any females she could find. I guess when he asked her about it, apparently she didn't feel some kind of way with the other females, but did with me and wants to know what I have that she doesn't. I told him that I don't have the crazy girl gene lol. But seriously...I don't. I don't look through people's stuff because when you go looking for shit, you're bound to get dirty. I can't be bothered. Shenanigans. But the title is basically...she can't be me. And I can't be her. I need her to not be worried about what it is that I'm doing and focus on being a mom. The boy asked her if you wanted to get back together and be a family and she shot the poor guy down...but is wanting to know what I have that she doesn't. Don't worry about that. Comparison to an ex is never a good thing in any relationship. I'm going off on a tangent right now so let me go post this and then write another blog lol.

Ciao

Blog #48 - Wise Words from A Cuban Man

"You don't need new stuff. You just need to treat the stuff you have like it's new."

This is what I took away from a conversation about cars. I was getting out of my car and one of my dad's friends was driving by. He was in a nice little car and we were talking about my car and how I wanted to get a new one because it's old. I told him what happened to me this weekend (which is another blog in and of itself) and that I wanted to get the window fixed, but my mom shut me down. He said "if you take care of it like it's new, it will be like new" and then started telling me all of the extra things I need to do to it and that I have to take care of it and make it mine. And then when he said "this type of car is a really good car. If you take care of it, it will take care of you. It will welcome you in" is when I realized that I needed to change my way of thinking. This car has been passed down in my family since we bought it in 1995. My mother drove it, both of my brothers drove it, my brother's girlfriend drove it and now it's mine. My mom has drilled into my head "drive it for a few more years, beat it up and then we'll get another one". In reality, I need to treat this one like it's new. I started thinking of all of the things I want to do to it - like get a new hubcap, maybe add some tints, get all of the dents and scratches out, things like that.

I then started to think about it in terms of life and things/people in my life in particular. I need to start taking better care of my family and friends. I don't need new family/friends - I just need to treat the ones I have now like they're new. Think about it. When you get a new car, you take extra special care to not get it banged up or get any dents or anything like that. You should do the same with your friends and family. Each day is a gift...unwrap it and take special care to not damage it, break it or put dents in it. That's my basic spiel of the day.

Love your friends and family like they're new, precious gifts. Tis all.

Blog #47 - Natural Hair Journey, pt 1

So, it's been a minute since I've blogged about anything remotely happy or interesting in my life, but I decided to take this natural hair care journey really fast. I was looking at a lot of things that I use in my hair and just analyzing my hair care routine overall when its curly or straight and decided that 1) I was putting WAAAAAAY too many things in my hair and 2) all of the things I put in my hair aren't the greatest things. I decided to purge my hair care routine and go natural - the henna blog and the kinky curly blogs are the actual start of my journey. What really kicked this off was I was in Walgreen's one day to pick up this conditioner that someone on youtube recommended as an alternative to the "Knot Today" from Kinky Curly and this Russian guy was looking for natural products for his wife. We were looking on the back of labels and I picked up some things that I use(d) and had a "wtf is this" look when looking at the back for the ingredients. I think that was my moment that I said "eff the traditional products" and I gravitated towards this brand called Shea Moisture.

The Shea Moisture Shea Butter shampoo is like THEE best shampoo that I've used on my hair in forever. I can wash my hair on a Sunday, wear it curly and then go to wash it again that next Sunday, and my hair will STILL feel like butter as I'm just standing under the water letting my hair get wet...and it will smell like shea butter, even after a week. I love it. At first, it doesn't really look like much, but when I get it in my hair, I can definitely run my fingers through it after rinsing the shampoo out. I bought the conditioner a few days ago and it's a pump and thick...I'm not too big a fan of it, but I'm willing to try it again. I really like the Tresemme Naturals Moisture Rich Conditioner for my hair as a followup to the Shea Moisture shampoo.

The next product I use is Kinky Curly Curling Custard. Yeah, I know I tried it before and it was an epic fail, but I decided that it was a fail because of the henna so I waited for it to grow out a little bit and then try it again. I think I did the henna in December, so I waited until about March to try the KCCC again. I love it! I just wish I had a different haircut to provide more bounce and body and shape to it because my hair is pretty one dimensional and flat right now. I need more body and bounce and shape!!!

I was talking to a friend of mine who is a natural yesterday about how I felt really good when talking to this girl at Walgreen's about natural hair care (she rang up my purchase for the Shea Moisture Conditioner) and how the girl was telling me what she uses in her hair. She showed me the product and I told her to junk it ASAP because like the 2nd or 3rd ingredient is Sodium Laurel Sulfate, and that's why her hair is so dry. I continued to tell my friend how I haven't had a relaxer since around November and I wanted to try and see how long I can go, so...I guess this is my official start to this. It's already been around 3.5, 4 months so I think I'm doing pretty okay. I've flat ironed my hair before and it came out really nice and bone straight at the roots, which is good...considering all I used was my shampoo, conditioner and some argan oil before I blew it dry. I'll have to try it again to see how it comes out again. I think it was a little greasy, so I'll try to put in less of the oil...that should do the trick. I have to put pics up, though to document this journey.

I also need to find a natural hair dye for the summer time. I want to lighten it up a bit. Oh well...onward and upward on this journey!