Blog #22 - This Weekend

So, this past weekend was a good weekend. Friday I hung out with my friends and then Saturday, I was all up in HarlemWorld with the family. Sometimes I forget what it's like to be around them. I haven't been there since my grandmother died.

My whole reason for going was because my Aunt Jeannie was being consecrated and installed as a Pastor, which is a big deal. It was one of my big events that I wanted to go to this summer. It was an awesome ceremony and now she is Pastor Aunt Jeannie. I told her I was going to call her when I needed some spiritual guidance and she laughed at me. But, I'm so serious. Anyways, I got to see a lot of family and meet some new family, like my cousin Dominique, my Uncle Eddie's daughter that I don't know. I would like to meet the rest of his kids...lol. But I DID get to see my big cousins Damon, Tamika, Kymani and Jamal. I even saw my Uncle Brotha, which was a shock, considering that we were talking about him maybe like 20 minutes before he got there. The ceremony itself was in the same church that my aunts and uncles grew up in. It wasn't the church that I went to as a kid, but...it was the same church that held the services for both my father and my grandmother. For me, it was VERY weird being there for something that wasn't a funeral...but like Damon said, it was much better to NOT be there for that. Coincidentally (and I think a little bit on purpose...lol) the ceremony was on what would have been my grandmother's birthday. It was kind of fitting.

To speak on that for a moment, it's been about 14 years and I still don't think I'm over my father dying. Just even being in the church made me cry and I can't think about my dad without shedding a few tears. What does that even mean? Am I not over it or do I just miss him that much? I feel like I got robbed of a lot of things, experiences, discussions and just being a daddy's girl.

On a completely separate chapter, yet still in the same book...something inside me went to go look for my step-sisters. I found one. I hope she accepts my friend request and that I'll find her sister. I miss being around them too. They stopped coming around when my dad died too and moved to the Bronx. I miss my little brother too. I wonder what they're all up to. I'd love to see them and spend the day with them to play catch-up and stuff...if they want to. The ball is in their court now, I guess. I hope they accept it because I still consider them family. I think I might be a little jealous, too. They got to spend a lot more time with my dad than I did (side edit: TAMIKA ACCEPTED IT!!! Woohoo!!! Now, if she would talk to me, that would be better...lol). I dunno. Maybe I'm being selfish and it's time to take a big girl pill and come to terms with it. I'll try, but I don't know how to do it because after 14 years, it's still a painful thought. Maybe because it happened suddenly. He wasn't sick, he wasn't old. I think it might be painful because...I wasn't expecting him to go. 12 years old, last time we spoke was on my birthday and it was "see you at Thanksgiving...I love you". But, I am grateful that the last thing we said to each other was "I love you". Say it all the time to those you love, please.